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What am I going to do with myself for the next 40-50 years?

Ed took my future with him when he died 3 months ago.

Knowing that the future that we planed can’t happen and trying to accept it, has been very difficult.  All of my plans are bitter sweet. On one hand this is not the future we had planed!!!  I want my old future back!  On the other hand, I am almost to the point now where I am a bit excited about my future.

I have a feeling down deep in my gut that my mum will have “gone to hang out with Ed and Bentley” by this time next year.

None of us know when it will happen and I am by no means looking forward to that day. Knowing that my Mum is dieing and trying to make plans with out feeling guilty has not been easy. All of my plans are for “After” my mum dies!  For me to talk about what I want to do implies that I am looking forward to her passing, doesn’t it?  I know! I know!  It doesn’t mean that at all, but it sure feels that way sometimes.

All of my plans are revolving around her right now.  Nurses and aids and family visits (Oh My!)  Meds and appointments and bills… good god!  Thinking about my “now” is a bit on the overwhelming side.  If I think about my past I cry.  I am so tired of crying.  I know I am not done crying yet but thinking about my new future helps.  I have discoverer that if I plan my future I do not have to think of then or now.  So…

Plan A:  Find a strong sexy Irish farmer and move to Ireland. To expensive and no one will ever live up to Ed.

Plan B:  buy an RV and drive all over the country.  Yeah that would be fun till I broke down in the middle of  Wyoming…

Plan C:  “Cut and run.  Sell the house and move back to Maine.”  It is what he told me to do.  He knew it is where I want to be.   Where in Maine?  Its a really big state.

  • Southern Maine with “my” kids and the grand baby girls?
  • Bangor with my brother and his family?  Half way between my grand babies and my dad?
  • Millinocket with my dad and lots of family?

Southern Maine.  I could buy a house or get an apartment right across the street from the girls school and take care of them for Bre!!  Oh wait… It’s pretty expensive.  I would have to go right back to work and that would mean I couldn’t do what I really want to do.  Sigh…

Bangor.  I love Bangor!!!! I love the area, the shopping, the old houses all of it! I could rent an apartment in one of those old houses again!  I could go back to work part time!  I could pay $12000 for a year of doing what???  Then there is Abby… Pretty hard to find an apartment that is reasonably priced that will let me have Abby… this just doesn’t feel right.  Yet.

Millinocket.  Home.  Small town. Cheep houses.  Home.  Family.  My Mountian.  I want to go home.  I want to curl up in my dad’s back room and cry for a while then go on a road trip and visit all of the people who have said you can come visit me! PERFECT!!!!  It is only 4 hrs away from grand baby girls.  I could go down every other weekend!  I could cry for a month or two then… then… I could… well damn.

What am I going to do for the next 40 years????

I will not go back out on the road with out Ed.  I could. I am not going to get rid of my CDL.  But it would not be the same.  Or right.  Or fun.  It would just plain old hurt to much.

I could go back to school…but for what?  They say do what you know.  Do what you love. I want to do something I love and I want to make Ed proud of me. What do I love?  I love making things.  I love fixing things.  I love making my jewelery. What would make Ed proud.  Me being happy and living my life on my terms. Ya Ya Ya… What did I DO that made him proud?  Me driving that truck made him so proud of me but that’s out. Gasp! Ed was proud of my jewelry too!

WAIT!!!  I could make a go of Sterling Lace!!!

  • He supported me in every way.
  • Making jewelry all started with him.  He gave me an amethyst for Christmas one year and when I said “oh… its pretty!  What am I going to do with it?”  He said “I thought you could go down and pick out the setting yourself.”  That is when the creative design juices began to flow.  So this love of jewelry thing… its all his fault anyway.
  • He helped me pick out tools. (He always told me to go with the best tools.)
  • He showed off my jewelry to friends AND complete strangers (that is going a bit for a man as anti-social as my husband admitted he was!)
  • He would buy me tools for Valentines Day, My birthday and Christmas!  I must love making jewelry if I didn’t get upset about that!
  • And my final bit of evidence that my husband was proud of and impressed with my jewelery making?  He let me have real estate in the man cave.  OK, so technically he had moved from the garage man cave into the shop man cave but still… I have a work bench in the garage!!

One problem.  I don’t really know what the hell I am doing with the jewelry thing.  Every thing that I know about making jewelry I got from Google and YouTube.  If I am going to make this work, I need some kind of training. What medium do I want to focus on? Again, what do I love.  Silver.  I love working with silver.  So back to Google I go.  Search: Silversmith schools.  First result?  Maine College of Art.  Portland Maine.  Perfect!!  Until I kept reading and saw the price tag.  NEXT! Same story for the next 5 schools that had 4 year Jewelry Design degrees.

Then I found it.  The Revere Academy of Jewelry Design.  This place sounds great!  It sounds fun! It is in San Fransisco!  The one city that I told Ed I think I may be able and willing to live in if I had to. After a couple of weeks of research, talking to a few close advisers/friends and looking into as many details and I could think of, I think that for 6 months starting next October I will be living in San Fransisco going to school and by March of 2014 I will be a Bench Jeweler.

OK  then what?  (are you getting the idea that I am not comfortable unless I have a plan?  A very detailed plan?)  I spend all of this money on this school and I go back to Millinocket and… I could become Mr. W.!!  He was one of two jewelers in town when I was growing up.  Back when the town and mill were still alive. When ever I went into Mr. W.’s store, I always wanted to sneak back there and see what he was doing at that workbench and see what he used all of those tools for.  Mr. W. has since passed away.  His building is for sale.  I was told that his tools are still there and everything!  I could go to school, move home and open Mr. W’s store again!!  With a new name of course.

After more talk and getting all kinds of excited (in a very bitter-sweet way) and changing my mind a million times and falling in love with a house in Millinocket, offering this house to the Underwood family doing the math, and everything… I decided to stay in Arkansas.

Plan C.

 

I feel like Max Klinger from M.A.S.H!  You know, Klinger…the one that was bucking for a section 8 discharge because all he wanted to do was go home?  The one that in the last episode has fallen in love with a Korean girl and decides to help her find her family and says “I am staying in Korea!”

Plan D:  Next October, I am hoping to go to San Fransisco and go to The Revere Academy of Jewelry Arts and take the Graduate Jeweler program.  But I am going to stay in Arkansas until then.  But good lord what am I going to do in this house alone for a year or so??  I could take a class or two.  Maybe.  It would be a good thing to do. I guess.  Yoga.  Photography.  Hey I wonder if there is a small business management class?

Today I applied to the community college here in town for the Associates Degree in Retail Marketing.
If I am going to make a go of Sterling Lace, and make Ed proud, and do what I love, damn it I better know what I am doing all the way around.  So now I am just waiting for the college that I went to in 1990-92 to send my transcript to UACCM and see what will transfer and what classes I can fit in before next Oct.  I also need to go out to San Fransisco and check out that school and take a foundation class and check out were I will be living to make sure everything is going to work out.  That may be in July.

Maybe maybe maybe.  Well.  I think this is the right thing to do.  It all seems to be happening so easily.  So far.  I decided to stay.  I bought a new stove.  It isn’t the stove that we were going to get but then again I may not be here as long as we thought either.  I called to get an estimate on some things that need to be done on the house.  I ordered propane.

Yeah… I think I am staying.  But then what?  Well one of the biggest reasons that I have not made an offer on the house that I love in Millinocket is because… I don’t know.  I may end up getting a job offer while I am at school for someplace cool like Hawaii or Bimini… or Ireland…

 

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Posted by on September 18, 2012 in A New Life, Learning Something New

 

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A New Life and a New Direction

Well now that I have told my sob story, I want to let you know what I am planning on for this blog.

I want this blog to become more of a record of my journey from grief to healing, from where I am to where I end up and from the tragedy of this year to the hope of the future.  Even the name of this blog has taken on a new meaning for me.  At first “From The Corner Of Two Dirt Roads” meant “the news from my home on the corner of two dirt roads”.  Now, “From The Corner Of Two Dirt Roads” is going to become more about my journey from my amazing life on this corner into the future.

Over the next few weeks you may see many changes in the appearance on this blog.  I will be changing around the categories and format and such.  I will also be posting some of the drafts that I was working on before.

Although I do not want it to become a place where I always go to cry and pout and stamp my foot and complain, I am sure I will do all of those things from time to time so please forgive me for that.  Saying “We” still seems to be normal for me.   It seems to me that time is now Before and After.  It seems that now it isn’t August 11, its 7 weeks and 3 days.

There are things that I am still going thru, like the fact that yesterday it became official.  We had our first visit from Hospice.  Mum was refereed on Thursday (7 weeks to the day) and they were right here.  I admit that it is a great relief for me.  I feel that now that it is not just me taking care of her, that she will get the care she deserves.  I am having a very hard time concentrating, paying attention to anything.  I don’t think I am doing a good enough job and the ladies of Hospice Home Care will help keep me on track and catch anything I miss.

There are also many things that I still need to do.  I have boxes of things to mail.  I have paper work to finish doing.  I need to go thru his shop and garage.  I have to print out pictures for the frames.  I need to clean up my studio and get rid of a lot of junk.  I need to mow the lawn again.  I need to get off the computer and going on some of this stuff!
This post has taken me several days to write and I am going to cut it off here so that I can hopefully write about a couple of things that have happened since I started this post.

Talk to you soon.

 
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Posted by on August 13, 2012 in A New Life

 

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More Testing, Blogs I Read & Such

Hi!

I haven’t posted in a few days because we are back on the road and I am still trying to figure this blogging thing out.

What I am learning about now:

The best way for me to write a post when we are away from the corners.

When I found the app Blog Maersto, by the folks at http://www.tinydesk.com, I thought I found the perfect app but as I was using the app I found a couple If things that I wasn’t impressed with.

1. My auto correct didn’t work. I care about my readers too much to write without any sort of spell check!

2. One feature I did really like was the ability to add photos and headings as well as paragraphs of text. The problem? There was no way to move things around. If you forgot that heading or decided that this photo belongs up one paragraph… You are were of luck.

I went to the website, asked questions regarding move things around and turning on the auto correct, and promptly put it all out of my mind. Guess I am going to have to look and see if I got a response.

I am working on finding a work around now. To do this I am going to write half of this post in Word using my Docs To Go app and the other half in Pages. Just to see which I like working with better or if I am going to go hunting for a new word procsesing app. (oh dang… wouldn’t that just be horrible!)

Word, Pages, and Maestro

Word, Pages, and Maestro

What I am reading now:

Blogs blogs and more blogs. OK listening may be a better word than reading. Did you know that the iPhone has the ability to read to you? I love my iPhone. It takes a bit of setup on my part but I can get my phone to read to me all night long while I am driving! That means I can keep up with my favorite blogs! Here are just a few of my favorites:

Iheart organizing

One Good Thing

Crunchy Betty

Addicted 2 Decorating

7th House on the Left

Her New Leaf

But I have got to tell you about one blog that I have fallen head over heals with.

SEW MANY WAYS.

You see Karen isn’t a “one trick pony” as Grammy Nason used to say. She sews, she quilts, she crafts, she cooks, and she blogs. Best of all she tells us all how she does it! !! Karen is such a generouse person! She has link party’s on Fridays where other bloggers can come and share projects that they have written out for their blogs. That way we can all explore and find new inspiration and ideas. She is also starting a “Find a Friend Friday” where you can link to your blog and others can come and see what you are all about. I can’t wait to explore more blogs!! I also put a link to this blog there so if you are coming over from Sew Many Ways, HI!!!! Leave me a comment and let me know you were here and I’ll come visit your blog if ya have one and we will see if we can make this work the way Karen thought it would!

I finally got caught up with my “reading” last night and ended up adding a couple of new boards to Pinterest. One was My Favorite Blogs and another was…. Crud… Let me go look… This could take a while… Pheww.. In and out of Pinterest in under 30 seconds! Ok. So I just added the one board but I did add 22 new pins! Now all I have to do is go thru all of the posts I have “stared” and add them to my boards! Now that’s going to be a project!

Pinterest, blogs and apricot lips

Pinterest, blogs and apricot lips

While away from the corner:

Well, as I said, we have been on the road for a bout a week or so now. It gets really hard to keep track of time out here. It becomes hours to get to the delivery instead of Monday or Tuesday and as for the days of the month that becomes days till we go home.

We left the house and stopped in Colby Kansas to do some grocery shopping, (big box stores drive me nuts but at least some W-marts have truck parking!) made it to our delivery in Tooele UT (right out side of Salt Lake City) then went down to Cedar City UT and got a room for the night.

Next afternoon we picked up Easter flowers on Newcastle UT and delivered them to Riverside CA the next morning. Then we ha to get the air shute fixed in our trailer then go get it washed out AND make 2 citrus pickups. The last pick up put us “over gross” which means we weighed more than the 80,000 lbs. aloe we’d by law so we had to go back and have them take a pallet off the trailer.

Then it was my turn to drive! After being up all say and doing all of that it was no wonder I only made it 100 miles before I stopped in Tahatchapi CA and went to snuggle the hubbs. At some point I woke up in Essex CA. Ed drove to Kingman AZ. Where we got to do a bit more grocery shopping, I did my mile and a half walk in the truck and did come cleaning, then I had to go to work. Sounds like anyone else’s typical day huh? I drove to Moriarty NM (just east of Albuquerque ). Made it 500 miles! Yeepee! I woke up in Tucumcari NM where we are having a flat tire fixed! Ahhh the life of a truck driver!

Around in circles

Around in circles

Well it is just about nap time for me. Next time I will tell you about how I cook in the truck and maybe even about one of the projects I have finished. I have a camera full of photos of the projects I have done since I started thinking about doing this blog so I guess I should get to writing about them!

Oh!!!! I have a question for you other bloggers out there. Do you upload all of your photos to WordPress or Blogger or is there another way to do it? I keep getting photos that won’t load. Thanks for any advice!

Amy U.

(I really need to come up with a cool signature!)

P.S. it looks like I will be shopping for a new app. Even using my awesome Notebooks app is a bit of a pain. Any ideas??

 
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Posted by on March 30, 2012 in My Old Life

 

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