Hello. I haven’t been here in forever it seems and the revamp didn’t happen. And honestly I have a hard time looking at this blog now. So, just like I am doing in my life I am starting over with a new blog too. It’s called Beyond Two Dirt Roads. Plot Twist! and I would love to have you join me there! I will let you know where I have been for the past 6 years and where I will be headed from here!
Ed took my future with him when he died 3 months ago.
Knowing that the future that we planed can’t happen and trying to accept it, has been very difficult. All of my plans are bitter sweet. On one hand this is not the future we had planed!!! I want my old future back! On the other hand, I am almost to the point now where I am a bit excited about my future.
I have a feeling down deep in my gut that my mum will have “gone to hang out with Ed and Bentley” by this time next year.
None of us know when it will happen and I am by no means looking forward to that day. Knowing that my Mum is dieing and trying to make plans with out feeling guilty has not been easy. All of my plans are for “After” my mum dies! For me to talk about what I want to do implies that I am looking forward to her passing, doesn’t it? I know! I know! It doesn’t mean that at all, but it sure feels that way sometimes.
All of my plans are revolving around her right now. Nurses and aids and family visits (Oh My!) Meds and appointments and bills… good god! Thinking about my “now” is a bit on the overwhelming side. If I think about my past I cry. I am so tired of crying. I know I am not done crying yet but thinking about my new future helps. I have discoverer that if I plan my future I do not have to think of then or now. So…
Plan A: Find a strong sexy Irish farmer and move to Ireland. To expensive and no one will ever live up to Ed. Plan B: buy an RV and drive all over the country. Yeah that would be fun till I broke down in the middle of Wyoming…
Plan C: “Cut and run. Sell the house and move back to Maine.” It is what he told me to do. He knew it is where I want to be. Where in Maine? Its a really big state.
- Southern Maine with “my” kids and the grand baby girls?
- Bangor with my brother and his family? Half way between my grand babies and my dad?
- Millinocket with my dad and lots of family?
Southern Maine. I could buy a house or get an apartment right across the street from the girls school and take care of them for Bre!! Oh wait… It’s pretty expensive. I would have to go right back to work and that would mean I couldn’t do what I really want to do. Sigh…
Bangor. I love Bangor!!!! I love the area, the shopping, the old houses all of it! I could rent an apartment in one of those old houses again! I could go back to work part time! I could pay $12000 for a year of doing what??? Then there is Abby… Pretty hard to find an apartment that is reasonably priced that will let me have Abby… this just doesn’t feel right. Yet.
Millinocket. Home. Small town. Cheep houses. Home. Family. My Mountian. I want to go home. I want to curl up in my dad’s back room and cry for a while then go on a road trip and visit all of the people who have said you can come visit me! PERFECT!!!! It is only 4 hrs away from grand baby girls. I could go down every other weekend! I could cry for a month or two then… then… I could… well damn.
What am I going to do for the next 40 years????
I will not go back out on the road with out Ed. I could. I am not going to get rid of my CDL. But it would not be the same. Or right. Or fun. It would just plain old hurt to much.
I could go back to school…but for what? They say do what you know. Do what you love. I want to do something I love and I want to make Ed proud of me. What do I love? I love making things. I love fixing things. I love making my jewelery. What would make Ed proud. Me being happy and living my life on my terms. Ya Ya Ya… What did I DO that made him proud? Me driving that truck made him so proud of me but that’s out. Gasp! Ed was proud of my jewelry too!
WAIT!!! I could make a go of Sterling Lace!!!
- He supported me in every way.
- Making jewelry all started with him. He gave me an amethyst for Christmas one year and when I said “oh… its pretty! What am I going to do with it?” He said “I thought you could go down and pick out the setting yourself.” That is when the creative design juices began to flow. So this love of jewelry thing… its all his fault anyway.
- He helped me pick out tools. (He always told me to go with the best tools.)
- He showed off my jewelry to friends AND complete strangers (that is going a bit for a man as anti-social as my husband admitted he was!)
- He would buy me tools for Valentines Day, My birthday and Christmas! I must love making jewelry if I didn’t get upset about that!
- And my final bit of evidence that my husband was proud of and impressed with my jewelery making? He let me have real estate in the man cave. OK, so technically he had moved from the garage man cave into the shop man cave but still… I have a work bench in the garage!!
One problem. I don’t really know what the hell I am doing with the jewelry thing. Every thing that I know about making jewelry I got from Google and YouTube. If I am going to make this work, I need some kind of training. What medium do I want to focus on? Again, what do I love. Silver. I love working with silver. So back to Google I go. Search: Silversmith schools. First result? Maine College of Art. Portland Maine. Perfect!! Until I kept reading and saw the price tag. NEXT! Same story for the next 5 schools that had 4 year Jewelry Design degrees.
Then I found it. The Revere Academy of Jewelry Design. This place sounds great! It sounds fun! It is in San Fransisco! The one city that I told Ed I think I may be able and willing to live in if I had to. After a couple of weeks of research, talking to a few close advisers/friends and looking into as many details and I could think of, I think that for 6 months starting next October I will be living in San Fransisco going to school and by March of 2014 I will be a Bench Jeweler.
OK then what? (are you getting the idea that I am not comfortable unless I have a plan? A very detailed plan?) I spend all of this money on this school and I go back to Millinocket and… I could become Mr. W.!! He was one of two jewelers in town when I was growing up. Back when the town and mill were still alive. When ever I went into Mr. W.’s store, I always wanted to sneak back there and see what he was doing at that workbench and see what he used all of those tools for. Mr. W. has since passed away. His building is for sale. I was told that his tools are still there and everything! I could go to school, move home and open Mr. W’s store again!! With a new name of course.
After more talk and getting all kinds of excited (in a very bitter-sweet way) and changing my mind a million times and falling in love with a house in Millinocket, offering this house to the Underwood family doing the math, and everything… I decided to stay in Arkansas.
I feel like Max Klinger from M.A.S.H! You know, Klinger…the one that was bucking for a section 8 discharge because all he wanted to do was go home? The one that in the last episode has fallen in love with a Korean girl and decides to help her find her family and says “I am staying in Korea!”
Plan D: Next October, I am hoping to go to San Fransisco and go to The Revere Academy of Jewelry Arts and take the Graduate Jeweler program. But I am going to stay in Arkansas until then. But good lord what am I going to do in this house alone for a year or so?? I could take a class or two. Maybe. It would be a good thing to do. I guess. Yoga. Photography. Hey I wonder if there is a small business management class?
Today I applied to the community college here in town for the Associates Degree in Retail Marketing.
If I am going to make a go of Sterling Lace, and make Ed proud, and do what I love, damn it I better know what I am doing all the way around. So now I am just waiting for the college that I went to in 1990-92 to send my transcript to UACCM and see what will transfer and what classes I can fit in before next Oct. I also need to go out to San Fransisco and check out that school and take a foundation class and check out were I will be living to make sure everything is going to work out. That may be in July.
Maybe maybe maybe. Well. I think this is the right thing to do. It all seems to be happening so easily. So far. I decided to stay. I bought a new stove. It isn’t the stove that we were going to get but then again I may not be here as long as we thought either. I called to get an estimate on some things that need to be done on the house. I ordered propane.
Yeah… I think I am staying. But then what? Well one of the biggest reasons that I have not made an offer on the house that I love in Millinocket is because… I don’t know. I may end up getting a job offer while I am at school for someplace cool like Hawaii or Bimini… or Ireland…
For the past 2 weeks this post has been sitting on my computer and I have not gotten back to it. It doesn’t make much scene to me now but it is what I was going thru at the time. This is the part where I fell on my ass. If I post this then I can move on and tell you all about the “good” days!
Yesterday, I Had A Good Day. Today I Fell On My Ass.
And I am finally willing to say that out loud. Well the first part of it anyway.
Today I woke up pissed. (I think it was Sept 8) Probably because I hurt so much. the mad just seemed to take over. I did my yoga for the first time in a long time hoping that would help. It helped the pain but not the pissy-ness. I almost posted this as my Facebook Status but gawd!!!! I swear if I hear “It will take time.” “You will heal at your own pace.” “You will never get over this but you will move on.” I will hurt someone. Really? You think I don’t know this by now? After 2 months of hearing it from EVERYONE??? I understand that these are things people say in the hopes of helping me out and making me feel better. And I appreciate the thought but someone please tell me how “you will never get over this” or “you HAD what some people never find” is supposed to make me fell any freakin better???? NO I AM NEVER GOING TO GET OVER THIS!!!! I AM GOING TO HURT AND MISS HIM EVERY SINGLE DAY FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE!!!! Yes! I HAD a love like most people never find, BUT HE IS GONE!!!! THE LOVE OF MY LIFE, THE OTHER HALF OF ME, PART OF MY SOUL IS NEVER COMING BACK!!!! I WILL NEVER TALK TO, LAUGH WITH, OR HOLD HIM AGAIN!! And you telling me this over and over and over again ISN’T FREAKING HELPING ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1
But I have decided that I am not going to let it beat me.
Well, not only did I spew here, but in order not to let this beat me, I went out into Ed’s pickup and screamed. But I didn’t scream any where near as long as I though I would. I only screamed and cried for about 2 minutes, when, in the tiny rational part of my brain that still held on in all of my craziness this morning, I thought I would scream for 10-15 minutes. Then I just sat. The truck was warm. It smelled like him. I felt him all around me. I got a hug. And everything was OK.
I had asked one of my best friends to call me when I was crazy. Thankfully she called after I calmed down. We talked for about 20 minutes and it was good. It’s a very good thing I pulled it together because we had an appointment with the nurse shortly after.
Once that appointment, which went well by the way, I came back in and started to edit this entry. But I stopped myself. That is how I felt and that’s what I was going thru. I do not want to sound ungrateful to all of the people who love me and have supported thru this hell I am in. I know that the strength that everyone says I have comes directly from them. I feel like that baby who is learning to walk and has a fit and swats at the hands that are just trying to help. I guess I am ready to take a few tottering steps on my own and I am swatting at the hands that are just trying to help. All I have heard for the last two months is how hard this is going to be. Yeah, I know, thanks. Now lets move on.
Some days I feel like I couldn’t move if I had a gun to my head. I am totally numb. Like the world is moving forward and I am sitting here crying and wondering how I am going to go on. Wallowing in self-pity, grief, and a sever case of poor me-izam-ness.
The next day I am up and moving and getting things finished and moving forward so fast I wonder what the hell is happening. I am plowing thru the really hard things, clearing Ed’s estate. Cleaning and moving his things, making phone calls, getting things started. I am even starting to make plans for my future. I feel like I am really making progress until I hit a wall. I burst into tears, cry and scream and then go on to the next thing on the list, until till I drop into bed exhausted.. Last week was a perfect example.
Tuesday: I don’t remember Tuesday. That’s sad. I don’t remember any of what I did Tuesday. Did I mention that my Doctor almost tippled the nerve pain med that he put me on? I just went up from 300mg to 800mg!! That may be why I was so numb.
Wednesday: I made up a mycoderm abrasion type face scrub with baking soda, Vitamin E oil, Jojoba oil and Essential oils. I love it. Ed called all of my home-made stuff my lotions potions and brews! He knew me so well!
I decided that instead of “fixing” all of the photos that I have on my computer, I am just going to dump them all onto CD’s and only keep a few on my computer. Now that’s one hell of a job! 13 years of duplicates! What a mess! If anyone knows of a good program to get rid of duplicate photos that all have different names, please let me know!! Then I hit one of those walls. I found a video of Ed playing his guitar. It was so hard to watch him and realize that these little electronic bits and bytes are all that I have left of him. I must have cried those deep gut wrenching sobs for half an hour. I miss him so much!
Just as I was pulling myself back together, Mum’s home health aide knocked on the door, so I went to run some errands. I didn’t get them all done but I did go to the funeral home and pay for my husbands funeral. That still sounds wrong. The words my husband and funeral should not go in the same sentence. I made it thru that without crying somehow, maybe because I had just cried so much over the videos. I also picked up Mum’s new prescriptions, and went to the bank and got more of that mess taken care of. That is almost done now.
I also had a contractor and a realtor come and look at the house. The thought of selling this house is so hard. Never mind that this land has been in the family for over 100 years and it falls to me to sell it, never mind that I never made any secret of the fact that I wanted to move back to Maine some day, it still hurts to think of selling OUR home. I look around this house and I see all that he did for me, all that he built for me, that we built for each other, and I feel honorably about wanting to get the hell out of here. I feel like I am being so ungrateful for all he did and went thru for me, to give me a home. I feel like such a snot when I think about how I’ve talked about this house. I’ve called it a money pit, a dive and a dump and it’s not. Yes, all of the projects that we didn’t get finished, make me feel like I’ve lived in a never-ending construction zone, but we were working on it. We were doing it together and we having so much fun. Yes, I could hire someone to come in and finish all of the projects, but these are projects that Ed and I started. Projects that Ed and I were going to finish. Someday. We just didn’t get that far.
I may have told you this before but, Ed and I actually talked about what if. I told him he was going to have to tell me what to do because “I am just going to want to curl up into a ball and pull the covers over my head for a year or so” He said “Well that’s stupid. Cut and run baby, sell the house and move home. It’s where you want to be anyway.” So selling this house is what he expected me to do, what he wanted me to do. That is one thing that I keep telling myself. So I called a realtor and contractor to find out what to do next. She is going to get back to me next week.
Thursday: Mum and I went shopping and running errands and had lunch at Sonic. I don’t remember specifics. It’s a blur. Thursday was 8 weeks.
Friday: A friend of mums came to hang out with her and ended up dusting my house and vacuuming the floors. What was I doing? I was trying to clean the cobwebs out of my head by going for a motorcycle ride. This time it didn’t work. I was sooooo sad. I miss Ed so much. My head was so full of missing him and wanting to hear his voice again, and on a damn video. I believe that he tried to cheer me up. I had figured out what roads I would take and off I went. I came around a corner in a tiny town and there was a small mom and pop store on the left. I didn’t know I was going to stop till I had pulled in. I thought, “What the hell am I doing here! Oh well, I might as well go in.” I came out with this:
“And its Pink!” is a joke that Ed and I had so I really think that going into that mom and pop was Ed’s way of making me laugh.
Saturday: I had a 1 hour massage that took 3 hours! I came out of there feeling so much better. Not only did my body feel better but my mind was a bit more settled also. When I go in for a massage, I can cry uncontrollably if I need to, Debbie doesn’t mind. When my mind and body are relaxed I can feel Ed with me much better than when I am tense. With my mind and body feel better and I was able to see past my grief and need to hold on to him thru holding on to his “stuff”.
Saturday night: I took another really huge step with the moving forward. I know this is a bit on the gross side but two nights before Ed died I had changed the sheets on our bed and I haven’t been able to bring myself to change them since. We had been in negotiations to buy new bedding for months and in May, he finally said go ahead. I just never did. Until the beginning of August. Friday the new sheets and duvet and cover got here, after the 3 hour cry/massage, Saturday night I was able to change everything out. I will never get rid of the sheets and blankets that we used but I needed to take this step forward.
I could hear Ed saying “Where the hell do we sleep?”
Sunday: Sunday I got a lot done! I cleaned out the linen closet and packed up that stuff to be donated, dealt with (or found a way to put off dealing with) my plumbing issues, went to pick up the new RX that Dr. Stewart called in for me, (I am back to 300 MG) cleaned up after the dogs, not my favorite job, mowed the lawn, and found out where the battery is in my car is because I needed to jump-start the truck. After that didn’t work I remembered that the cables may be bad, so I said to hell with it all and came in and started writing.
I feel like I am standing still because I can’t see that I am getting anything done. I have days were I get tons of little things done but can’t move forward with the bigger things. I feel like I still have so much to do. I feel like I have moved forward and away from Ed so fast. I feel like there is nothing of his that has been untouched. I feel like the things that are so huge to me, are so tiny and insignificant to the rest of the world. “OK, you changed the sheets and bedding? So what?” I feel like I am moving forward so fast that people will look at me and say “You mean you cleaned out his truck after only 7 weeks? I would have waited at least 3 months!”
I feel like I am standing still at the speed of light
Wow. O.K. Cleaning out his truck really sucked.
You see, his truck was so special to him. Almost as special as his boat, and his bike. But that truck? Yeah that was his baby. He had wanted that truck for a long long time. When he finally got it in 2010 he was soooooo pleased. To hear him talk, you would have thought it was his first born! HE drove the truck. I had to ask to use it, and he didn’t say yes very often. We used that truck to go back and forth to work and we had a system of tubs that we used to hold all of the crap that we took with us. When we went together, we took 9 tubs and filled the back seat. I do not understand how he managed to go by himself with just one tub, the bedding, his cloths and his shower bag.
When he went on trips by himself he didn’t really bother to clean “all of his junk” out of the pickup. This last trip was no exception. I had told him to bring in the bedding and I would wash it but he never got to it. The day after he passed I realized that he hadn’t cleaned out the truck. I couldn’t bring myself to open it up and clean it out. I could not let anyone into the truck or touch these things until I was ready to do it myself.
The day that Ed passed away, I had a few seconds where I almost let myself believe that he was just out on the road. He was alive and OK. He was going to be coming home any minute. I forced myself to realize that no, he was gone. He was not out on the road. He was not OK. He wasn’t coming back. Apparently, I didn’t do as good of a job as I thought I did.
I opened that truck door, and saw where he sat, the bedding that he slept on, the things that he touched, the things that were so familiar, the things that we lived with and we used everyday for so long. I had to stop. I was going to have to bring those things inside and put them away one last time. It was so hard. It was so final. It made it all so real. Knowing that he was the last one to touch these things made it so very hard.
I managed to do it. Again, with the help of one of my best friends, who was on the phone with me thru the first few minutes and many more tears. She talked me thru it. She listened to me cry, and scream and yell at him and cry some more. If she hadn’t “been with me” I don’t think I could have done it. To her I say a big big big THANK YOU DARLIN!!!! Once I calmed down a bit, I was able to let her go back to driving (Yeah one of my best friends is another lady trucker!) and get on with it.
I was finally able to take his things into the house. I put our pillows on our bed and our comforter too. I put his cloths away and put the tub with his TV, VCR & DVD players. As hard as putting our pillows away was, seeing his favorite movies made me “lose it” all over again. Grief is an odd thing. It makes you do really silly things. Like keeping the empty Root Bear bottle because his lips touched that and it has been sealed ever since. Like making you cry when you see his log book and you realize that we just had our D.O.T. physicals and we both passed with flying colors. Lot of good that did huh? I still can’t unroll our memory foam that has the sheets that he slept on or open his shower bag that he always had with him.
Once I was done putting all of these things away, and had moved the truck so I can mow under it later, I just sat and cried. I say sat… It was more like flopped on top of all of the pillows and blankets on our bed and had a 15 minute screaming fit. It was as if I had just found him. It was as bad as that morning all over again. it hurt. It was so fresh. I managed to get to sleep that night somehow but I am not sure how.
Sunday, was just a sad day. A day I was just going to allow myself to sit and do nothing. A day for crying and feeling sorry for myself and missing my husband. I worked on a puzzle most of the day. I made mac and cheese and we talked with another weekend nurse who came to visit. I went out to water the plants that Ed and I planted and the trees that he loved so much. I sat and talked with my girlfriend for quite a while and got a lot of stuff off my chest so to speak. I was kind of looking forward to the meteor showers. I had coffee at 9pm. by 9:30 the clouds had rolled in and the thunderstorms had started. Figures. I was so disappointed. By midnight I had a new burst of energy and I got my kitchen cleaned up. I don’t know if I just didn’t want to go to bed because of the pillows and comforter or what, but I must say that I slept better last night than I have in a while now.
Monday I dealt with the fact that they brought the hospital bed for my mum. It looks so strange. Everything is becoming so real. Mum is sick. She is under hospice care. Ed is gone. He was supposed to be here to help me deal with this part. I don’t have a job. I don’t have to drive that truck anymore. The life I knew is over. WOW. A friend who texts me every evening to check in with me asked how I was doing. I had to tell her that I was pretty numb. That’s exactly how I feel. Numb. I don’t know how to deal with this. I don’t know how I am dealing with this. I know that eventually I will look back on this and I will be able to see how I am doing this. I think that it is really just all of my friends and family holding me up…
Well now that I have told my sob story, I want to let you know what I am planning on for this blog.
I want this blog to become more of a record of my journey from grief to healing, from where I am to where I end up and from the tragedy of this year to the hope of the future. Even the name of this blog has taken on a new meaning for me. At first “From The Corner Of Two Dirt Roads” meant “the news from my home on the corner of two dirt roads”. Now, “From The Corner Of Two Dirt Roads” is going to become more about my journey from my amazing life on this corner into the future.
Over the next few weeks you may see many changes in the appearance on this blog. I will be changing around the categories and format and such. I will also be posting some of the drafts that I was working on before.
Although I do not want it to become a place where I always go to cry and pout and stamp my foot and complain, I am sure I will do all of those things from time to time so please forgive me for that. Saying “We” still seems to be normal for me. It seems to me that time is now Before and After. It seems that now it isn’t August 11, its 7 weeks and 3 days.
There are things that I am still going thru, like the fact that yesterday it became official. We had our first visit from Hospice. Mum was refereed on Thursday (7 weeks to the day) and they were right here. I admit that it is a great relief for me. I feel that now that it is not just me taking care of her, that she will get the care she deserves. I am having a very hard time concentrating, paying attention to anything. I don’t think I am doing a good enough job and the ladies of Hospice Home Care will help keep me on track and catch anything I miss.
There are also many things that I still need to do. I have boxes of things to mail. I have paper work to finish doing. I need to go thru his shop and garage. I have to print out pictures for the frames. I need to clean up my studio and get rid of a lot of junk. I need to mow the lawn again. I need to get off the computer and going on some of this stuff!
This post has taken me several days to write and I am going to cut it off here so that I can hopefully write about a couple of things that have happened since I started this post.
Talk to you soon.
They are right. For me anyway.
My life was perfect. I had a fun job. I had a great dog. I had a wonderful Mum who was happily living in and helping me take care of my home. And I had the most wonderful, amazing, talented, perfect for me husband, partner and best friend. I even had a cool mother-in-law. I thought that 2011 sucked because I had to watch my mother-in-law die and support my husband thru it. Yes it was a privilege to be with her at the end but it was very difficult. Then I told you about my Mum’s heart attach and her 5 bypass surgery. The last post I did brought you up to March. Let me tell you the rest of the story.
I came home. My last trip on the truck ended April 13. I came home to “do the taxes” and because my Mum was told that she had lung cancer. We were not sure what stage it was and the plan was for me to stay home and take care of mum until this mess was settled one way or another. We were all hoping that it would work out that mum would fight this thing, win, life would go on and I would get back on the truck. My personal plan was to do such a good job of taking of taking care of the house and mum that Ed would see that I was meant to stay home and be a house wife and he should come off the road and run local.
May was spent trying to find a Doctor for mum, Ed keeping me sane and us playing when he was home. See Ed would take loads to NYC or Hartford, then bring a load back. When he was home we would go for bike rides or go out on the boat. While I was home alone with mum, I was spring cleaning my home and making my own cleaning supplies, trying out Pinterest projects, missing Ed and trying to learn to sleep alone.
The only way to describe June would be to call it the month from Hell. Well it did have a few Highlights.
June 1st: My mum was diagnosed with late stage 3/early stage 4 lung cancer and started radiation and chemo treatments. 2 hour round trip drive 4 days a week for a 1/2 hour treatment and one 12+ hour day for Chemo & Radiation.
June 3rd: My mum turned… well… it was her birthday. I made her a cake and we had a nice meal and Ed stayed home with us long enough to have dinner with us.
June 8th: Ed’s dream finally came true. He bought his pontoon boat. He had wanted a pontoon boat since he was a kid and used to go out on the one his grandpa built. He had talked about this boat for years. ‘Someday I want a Pontoon boat.” “Some day I am going to have a Pontoon boat and its going to be…” He had been watching Craig’s list for months. He would say “I think I found the boat!” I would say “Well go get it!” he would say “Naw. I’m going to wait.” But while I was in Little Rock with Mum having an IV Port implanted, Ed was out buying his boat! He bought it from a friend of ours from down the road. When mum and I came home, I got her settled and went out to explore Ed’s new boat, and I started cleaning. I even managed to impress him with my home made cleaner! It is such a pretty boat!!! As I was cleaning I said “Happy Anniversary!! You may have done all of the work but I got you a boat for our anniversary!” He said “And it’s Pink!” and we laughed.
June 9th: We went out on the boat. We spent 8 hours out on the boat and neither of us were sunburned! We had such a blast! We explored Lake Dardanell or part of it anyway. We had lunch on the lake, drowned some worms while we pretended to fish and relaxed. We named the boat “The Weekend Waterbed” It was beyond wonderful. I can not explain how much fun we had on that boat. When we got home and everything was put away he smiled and looked at me and said “Well, I got my money’s worth out of that boat today. If I never get to go out on that boat again, I will be OK with that!”
June 10th: Ed and I were ordering new seats for the pontoon. He said “This way you can lay back and read a book while I fish and you can be comfortable too.” While we were hanging out in the shop doing this, my second married Valentines day present, my little love, my buddy, my baby, my wonderful dog Bentley, was attached by the dogs that are owned by the person who lives 2 doors up. I say he owns them but not that they live there or that he takes care of them. They run wild thru the neighborhood and are very destructive. They mauled another dog, and even tried to kill one of the lama’s that are in the field across the road. But I wasn’t paying attention. Once I got Bentley to the vet, she told me that they must have picked him up and shook him. She said that we could do the surgeries and try to save him but it may only give us another week at the most the way his skin was ripped. I couldn’t put him thru that. I brought him home and Ed, Mum, Abby, Sadie and I buried him under the weeping willow that Ed had just planted for me.
June 13th: Mum is starting to get sick from the Radiation and Chemo.
June 16th: Our 11th wedding anniversary. It was the first time we were not together on our anniversary. Ed was in NYC/NJ getting empty and reloaded. I spent the day with my niece and her husband. We had dinner and talked about the military patches and stuff that I have that belonged to my Grampy Nason. We had a great visit and I looked forward to doing it again.
June 17th: Ed got loaded and drove to Carlisle PA on the 16th and got up at 2 Am on the 17th and started driving. By 9pm he was home. He drove over 1100 miles to make it home to be with me.
June 18th: Mum and I went to radiation in the morning and managed to get home a bit early. Ed wasn’t here and I sent him a text. He said “your early!” I just asked when he would be home. He said “in just a bit”. Well did he come home with a “bang” He had 1 dozen red roses for me. They sparkled and they were beautiful. He also got a bottle of my favorite fragrance oil and a bottle of his. It was wonderful. He cooked me dinner too.
June 19th: The anniversary of our first “Date”. After mum’s radiation treatment, we were back out on the lake. Not the same lake but we were back out on that Pontoon boat! The lake that we went to has slips for rent and Ed said “We could going to get a slip and keep the boat up at the lake so that we could ride the bikes up to the lake, spend the day on the lake then drive home. Would you like that?” My reply “How perfect!!!!”
June 20th: After radiation I had a doctors appointment. We are trying to find out why I am holding so much water that I look like a Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade Balloon and why I am always in so much pain. My Doctor decided to test me for Lupus and Rheumatoid Arthritis. There was no way I was going to go home and tell Ed that and worry him. Why would I? I wasn’t worried about it, and the Doctor gave me pills anyway. Ed and I went to bed that night but he got back up and said he wasn’t feeling well.
June 21St: The day my world came to an end. The day husband died. I got out of bed and found Ed in his chair in the living room. I don’t remember much after finding him. I know my mum stood right up for me and took care of me. I know there were ambulance people and they were worried about and checking me out when they should have been helping Ed. I know there was a coroner in my home. I know that there were funeral home people here. A sheriff was too. I made phone calls. I must have, because I remember talking to Ed’s kids, my dad, Ed’s sister and brother, my 2 best friends, Other friends and my little brother. I remember I had to go pick up flowers and a prescription. I guess I remember more than I thought I did. I remember wanting to go to bed but not wanting to fall asleep alone. I remember talking on the phone with a truly great friend. I remember being woken up by Ed’s best friend calling me. I hadn’t called him because he was on vacation with his wife and I didn’t want to ruin it for them. I remember falling asleep with another friend on the phone.
In the weeks that followed, I wrote my husband’s obituary, planned his funeral, and brought his ashes home in the boot of the motorcycle trailer that he loved so much. I have removed my husbands name from policies and returned the boat seats that he ordered for me, figured out my bills and written a budget. I have written thank you notes and cried a million tears. I have survived his funeral and my 41st birthday. I have leaned on family, friends and total strangers. I have also tried to support Ed’s children even though I know I have not been able to do a very good job. I have tried to take care of my mother and I know that hasn’t gone well because we have been in and out of the hospital twice. I know that stress and the radiation and chemo are to blame but I still feel that I should have done a better job. From the day after Ed died, until July 31, we were not in this house alone thanks to wonderful friends and family that came to stay with us. Somewhere in all of this, my doctor called and the tests they took the day before Ed passed came back negative.
It has been 47 days and Mum and I are learning to adjust to life with out Ed. I am beginning to pull myself together I told Ed once that if anything ever happened to him I would just go to bed and pull the covers over my head for about a year. His reply? “Well that’s stupid. You have a month then cut and run. Sell the house and go home to Maine.” I haven’t curled up yet. I will not start getting the house ready to sell until mum “goes to hang out with Ed” as we are starting to say it. You see, the doctors have stopped mums radiation and chemo because “The tumor has not responded to treatment as dramatically as we had hoped it would.” We have scans at the end of August and another Doctors appointment in September to see if there is anything else they can do.
I have lost my Mother-in-Law. I have lost my Bentley. I have lost my husband/partner/team-mate/lover/best friend/support system/center of my world. I have lost my job, my future, my way of life, and soon, I will lose my mother. I am beginning to come up with a plan for “after” but it has, could and will change. I will let you know how it goes.
“They” say that the Mayan Calender ends in 2012 because the world will come to an end. I believe “Them” I know mine did.