Category Archives: Memories Of My Life

Maybe someday my granddaughters will be interested…

Standing Still At The Speed Of Light

Some days I feel like I couldn’t move if I had a gun to my head.  I am totally numb.  Like the world is moving forward and I am sitting here crying and wondering how I am going to go on.  Wallowing in self-pity, grief, and a sever case of poor me-izam-ness.

The next day I am up and moving and getting things finished and moving forward so fast I wonder what the hell is happening.  I am plowing thru the really hard things, clearing Ed’s estate.  Cleaning and moving his things, making phone calls, getting things started.  I am even starting to make plans for my future.  I feel like I am really making progress until I hit a wall.  I burst into tears, cry and scream and then go on to the next thing on the list, until till I drop into bed exhausted..  Last week was a perfect example.

Tuesday:  I don’t remember Tuesday.  That’s sad.  I don’t remember any of what I did Tuesday. Did I mention that my Doctor almost tippled the nerve pain med that he put me on? I just went up from 300mg to 800mg!! That may be why I was so numb.

Wednesday:  I  made up a mycoderm abrasion type face scrub with baking soda, Vitamin E oil, Jojoba oil and Essential oils.  I love it.  Ed called all of my home-made stuff my lotions potions and brews! He knew me so well!

I decided that instead of “fixing” all of the photos that I have on my computer, I am just going to dump them all onto CD’s and only keep a few on my computer.  Now that’s one hell of a job!  13 years of duplicates!  What a mess!  If anyone knows of a good program to get rid of duplicate photos that all have different names, please let me know!! Then I hit one of those walls.  I found a video of Ed playing his guitar.  It was so hard to watch him and realize that these little electronic bits and bytes are all that I have left of him.  I must have cried those deep gut wrenching sobs for half an hour.  I miss him so much!

Just as I was pulling myself back together, Mum’s home health aide knocked on the door, so I went to run some errands.  I didn’t get them all done but I did go to the funeral home and pay for my husbands funeral. That still sounds wrong.  The words my husband and funeral should not go in the same sentence.  I made it thru that without crying somehow, maybe because I had just cried so much over the videos.  I also picked up Mum’s new prescriptions, and went to the bank and got more of that mess taken care of.  That is almost done now.

I also had a contractor and a realtor come and look at the house.  The thought of selling this house is so hard.  Never mind that this land has been in the family for over 100 years and it falls to me to sell it, never mind that I never made any secret of the fact that I wanted to move back to Maine some day, it still hurts to think of selling OUR home. I look around this house and I see all that he did for me, all that he built for me, that we built for each other, and I feel honorably about wanting to get the hell out of here.  I feel like I am being so ungrateful for all he did and went thru for me, to give me a home.  I feel like such a snot when I think about how I’ve talked about this house. I’ve called it a money pit, a dive and a dump and it’s not. Yes, all of the projects that we didn’t get finished, make me feel like I’ve lived in a never-ending construction zone, but we were working on it.  We were doing it together and we having so much fun. Yes, I could hire someone to come in and finish all of the projects, but these are projects that Ed and I started. Projects that Ed and I were going to finish.  Someday.  We just didn’t get that far.

I may have told you this before but, Ed and I actually talked about what if.  I told him he was going to have to tell me what to do because “I am just going to want to curl up into a ball and pull the covers over my head for a year or so”  He said “Well that’s stupid.  Cut and run baby, sell the house and move home.  It’s where you want to be anyway.”  So selling this house is what he expected me to do, what he wanted me to do.  That is one thing that I keep telling myself.  So I called a realtor and contractor to find out what to do next.  She is going to get back to me next week.

Thursday:  Mum and I went shopping and running errands and had lunch at Sonic.  I don’t remember specifics.  It’s a blur.  Thursday was 8 weeks.

Friday: A friend of mums came to hang out with her and ended up dusting my house and vacuuming the floors.  What was I doing?   I was trying to clean the cobwebs out of my head by going for a motorcycle ride.  This time it didn’t work.  I was sooooo sad.  I miss Ed so much.  My head was so full of missing him and wanting to hear his voice again, and on a damn video.  I believe that he tried to cheer me up.  I had figured out what roads I would take and off I went.  I came around a corner in a tiny town and there was a small mom and pop store on the left.  I didn’t know I was going to stop till I had pulled in.  I thought, “What the hell am I doing here! Oh well, I might as well go in.”  I came out with this:

I can see me wearing this!

I can see me wearing this!

“And its Pink!” is a joke that Ed and I had so I really think that going into that mom and pop was Ed’s way of making me laugh.

Saturday:  I had a 1 hour massage that took 3 hours!  I came out of there feeling so much better.  Not only did my body feel better but my mind was a bit more settled also.  When I go in for a massage, I can cry uncontrollably if I need to, Debbie doesn’t mind. When my mind and body are relaxed I can feel Ed with me much better than when I am tense.  With my mind and body feel better and I was able to see past my grief and need to hold on to him thru holding on to his “stuff”.

Saturday night:  I took another really huge step with the moving forward. I know this is a bit on the gross side but two nights before Ed died I had changed the sheets on our bed and I haven’t been able to bring myself to change them since.  We had been in negotiations to buy new bedding  for months and in May, he finally said go ahead.  I just never did.  Until the beginning of August.  Friday the new sheets and duvet and cover got here, after the 3 hour cry/massage, Saturday night I was able to change everything out.  I will never get rid of the sheets and blankets that we used but I needed to take this step forward.

Our Bed

Our Bed

My new bed

My new bed

I could hear Ed saying “Where the hell do we sleep?”

Sunday:  Sunday I got a lot done!  I cleaned out the linen closet and packed up that stuff to be donated, dealt with (or found a way to put off dealing with) my plumbing issues, went to pick up the new RX that Dr. Stewart called in for me, (I am back to 300 MG) cleaned up after the dogs, not my favorite job, mowed the lawn, and found out where the battery is in my car is because I needed to jump-start the truck.  After that didn’t work I remembered that the cables may be bad, so I said to hell with it all and came in and started writing.

I feel like I am standing still because I can’t see that I am getting anything done.  I have days were I get tons of little things done but can’t move forward with the bigger things.  I feel like I still have so much to do.  I feel like I have moved forward and away from Ed so fast.  I feel like there is nothing of his that has been untouched.  I feel like the things that are so huge to me, are so tiny and insignificant to the rest of the world. “OK, you changed the sheets and bedding?  So what?”  I feel like I am moving forward so fast that people will look at me and say “You mean you cleaned out his truck after only 7 weeks?  I would have waited at least 3 months!”

I feel like I am standing still at the speed of light

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Posted by on August 17, 2012 in A New Life, About Me, Memories Of My Life


2011: The Good, The Bad and The Sad

I can’t say that 2011 was what I had hoped for. Thankfully, there were a couple of good things to balance out the bad.

January and February:

The Bad: We spent more time at home, bouncing between doctors, than on the road. When we were out on the road I wasn’t doing too much driving because I was having quite a lot of abdominal pain. It would have been a bit easier and less stressful if we had known what was causing it.

My Silly Phone Was Drunk

The Good: This was the first year where we had the chance to “go out” for New Years Eve! Hey, Evanston Wyoming may not be Time Square but we had a blast!  I also finally learned to crochet! I love books that have good sections for Lefties! I was really glad we were home as much as we were, so I could ask Mum tons of questions!


March and April

The Bad: No one could figure out what this pain was and I was terrified that it was cancer. It was only getting worse and Ed ended up going out on a few trips on his own. I hated every minute he was gone.

The Good: I had surgery in March to figure out what was going on in my gut. The surgery was just to poke around to see what they could see and they ended up removing some nasty scar tissue that was attached to my liver, large intestine and abdominal wall. Can you say OUCH!!! I did in several inventive ways every time I moved!! But it wasn’t cancer and they took it out and in a weeks time I was back on the road and saving up for…

May and June

Have to do the good first this time!

The Good: June 16 was our 10th anniversary and Ed took me on our first cruise!! It was heaven!! Unplugged, just me and him, no phones, no computers. Sigh… You see,  Ed has this habit of making my dreams come true, and with this one trip we counted up 5-6 that he got to check off the list!  It was so great that it deserves a post all on its own.

Yeah... I got to swim with the Dolphins

I got my engagement Ring! Its a Blue Diamond

The Bad:  At the end of June we found out my Step-Mum (from now on to be known as My Betts) had breast cancer. She whooped its butt and was fine by December but it was really scary! I had just found a lump too.


The Bad: I turned 40 in July. Enough said about that.

40... at least the day ended with a sign of hope

OK… hold on… it wasn’t all that bad… The night before my birthday we got to go out to dinner with Marian and Jim and we had a great time. Ed got me 6 roses and my very own fly fishing pole!!  I have fallen in love with fly fisin… someday I might even get “not bad” at it!!  And I got to make a cake for Mum and I too!

The Good: I also had my first mamosqueeze. I am forced to repeat myself here. OUCH! They saw the lump I found as well as two more, told me they thought they were just fibrous tumors but wanted me to come in for a biopsy and re-do the mamosqueeze in 6 months. Having had a fibrous tumor before and having heard the words “it’s probably not cancer, we are really not worried about it” as well as having other plans, I didn’t have the biopsy at that time.

(nope, no photos of this one! 😀 )


The Bad: We found out Ed had high blood pressure.

The Good: We planned a camping trip!


Again the good comes first: We went home to Maine on vacation!  Our friend Marian flew into Little Rock, we drove to Maine, had 3 days in a cabin in Baxter State Park right out side of where I grew up, drove south again and spent a day with “our” kids and the grand baby girls then drove home again.  Then we went back to work and took Marian in the big truck with us all the way back to California!  She had so much fun!  I don’t know what part she liked best, Maine or the Truck!  We also bought a boat from my dad and that means I got to check off one of Eds dreams!  [OMW!!!!  I was just reading this out loud to Ed to see how silly it sounds and he said… didn’t you quit smoking in September?  How could I have forgotten that in September, I did one of the hardest, smartest things in my life!!]

Irene wants to come too!

Me n My Dad

true love to cow butts

The Bad: Hurricane Irene Wanted to go camping too. We were rained out the first night and almost lost out on the second night in the park because of Hurricane Irene, the first ever hurricane to do damage in the park. Naturally!


The Good: We took a quick road trip to California to by a motorcycle from Ed’s best friend Mike!

Boys will be boys

The Bad: It was a really quick trip with no time to see his family or friends out there… Other than the one afternoon we spent with Mike.


The Bad: We got a call from Ed’s sister telling us that his mom had stage 4 lung and liver cancer that had probably spread to her brain also.  There was nothing they could do for her. Thankfully we were on our way back California in the big truck anyway and we work for some truly wonderful people because once we got to California the truck was shut down for 4 weeks while we spent time with Nita.

The Good: We spent time with family and friends and most importantly we got to spend time with Nita.


The Sad: Nita passed away on December 7.

It was 21 days from the time we got the call to the day she passed. They were the fastest, longest days of my life.

The Bad: Exactly 21 days later, as I was driving down off a mountain in California, at the end of my 10 hour shift, I got a call from my Mum.

“Don’t panic” she said “but I am in the ER. I had to call an ambulance last night because the meds didn’t stop the pain in my chest.  Can you call our neighbor to feed the dogs?”. Don’t panic she says!!  The DOGS she is worried about!!!  Geeezzzeezzzz

12 hours later we were just finishing a dinner that Ed made me eat I got a call from the cardio ICU nurse saying that Mum was resting comfortably and her surgery was scheduled for the next morning. “What surgery!!??!!” What’s going on?” Well, long story short, Mum had a slight heart attack which caused the calling of the ambulance, and then another, much larger heart attack, that day in the ER, prompting the need for a triple bypass. I arrived at the hospital not long after Mum had gone into the operating room. 6 hours later Mum was out of a surgery that had gone from 3 bypasses to 5. That’s right. 21 days after we lost my mother-on-law my mother had quint-bypass surgery after a massive coronary.

The Good: Nita didn’t suffer much, Mum is recovering and we got to spend Christmas in Maine with a day with my Dad n My Betts and a day with “our” kids and our granddaughters. (OK… let me explain the “our” when it comes to Ed’s kids.  I was raised by 3 parents the did not believe in the word step.  My brothers and sisters are my brothers and sister. Not my half brothers and step sisters.  Therefore Ed’s children are mine, not my step children, in my heart they are mine… same goes for the grand babies… go a head… mess with my kids and find out how mean a mama bear can be… No mater that they are all adults.  Those “kids” know that I will be there for them come hell or high water just like their Mum and Dad.)

Yep 2011 pretty much sucked!!


2012 has started out much better. I spent January at home with Mum as she made a full recovery with only a bit of a lingering cough. We ended up not going on our second cruise. Ed went out on the road without me which he has only had to do twice in the past and that sucked but, I found Pinterest!

Ed made sure that February was turned into Valentines Month instead of making just the one day special!!!!

March started off on a high and low note that I can’t tell you all about yet but we did get to go see Jeff Dunham!!! That was sooo fun!! I just love Peanut!!!! I also finished a few projects and took lots of photos to show you.

Now that I have reviewed the past year I won’t worry so much if I mention “that trip to get the bike” or the month we spent in California, if I do mention something that makes you scratch your head, just shoot me a comment and I will do my best to explain!

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Posted by on April 18, 2012 in A New Life, Memories Of My Life

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