For the past 2 weeks this post has been sitting on my computer and I have not gotten back to it. It doesn’t make much scene to me now but it is what I was going thru at the time. This is the part where I fell on my ass. If I post this then I can move on and tell you all about the “good” days!
Yesterday, I Had A Good Day. Today I Fell On My Ass.
And I am finally willing to say that out loud. Well the first part of it anyway.
Today I woke up pissed. (I think it was Sept 8) Probably because I hurt so much. the mad just seemed to take over. I did my yoga for the first time in a long time hoping that would help. It helped the pain but not the pissy-ness. I almost posted this as my Facebook Status but gawd!!!! I swear if I hear “It will take time.” “You will heal at your own pace.” “You will never get over this but you will move on.” I will hurt someone. Really? You think I don’t know this by now? After 2 months of hearing it from EVERYONE??? I understand that these are things people say in the hopes of helping me out and making me feel better. And I appreciate the thought but someone please tell me how “you will never get over this” or “you HAD what some people never find” is supposed to make me fell any freakin better???? NO I AM NEVER GOING TO GET OVER THIS!!!! I AM GOING TO HURT AND MISS HIM EVERY SINGLE DAY FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE!!!! Yes! I HAD a love like most people never find, BUT HE IS GONE!!!! THE LOVE OF MY LIFE, THE OTHER HALF OF ME, PART OF MY SOUL IS NEVER COMING BACK!!!! I WILL NEVER TALK TO, LAUGH WITH, OR HOLD HIM AGAIN!! And you telling me this over and over and over again ISN’T FREAKING HELPING ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1
But I have decided that I am not going to let it beat me.
Well, not only did I spew here, but in order not to let this beat me, I went out into Ed’s pickup and screamed. But I didn’t scream any where near as long as I though I would. I only screamed and cried for about 2 minutes, when, in the tiny rational part of my brain that still held on in all of my craziness this morning, I thought I would scream for 10-15 minutes. Then I just sat. The truck was warm. It smelled like him. I felt him all around me. I got a hug. And everything was OK.
I had asked one of my best friends to call me when I was crazy. Thankfully she called after I calmed down. We talked for about 20 minutes and it was good. It’s a very good thing I pulled it together because we had an appointment with the nurse shortly after.
Once that appointment, which went well by the way, I came back in and started to edit this entry. But I stopped myself. That is how I felt and that’s what I was going thru. I do not want to sound ungrateful to all of the people who love me and have supported thru this hell I am in. I know that the strength that everyone says I have comes directly from them. I feel like that baby who is learning to walk and has a fit and swats at the hands that are just trying to help. I guess I am ready to take a few tottering steps on my own and I am swatting at the hands that are just trying to help. All I have heard for the last two months is how hard this is going to be. Yeah, I know, thanks. Now lets move on.