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Everything anyone would ever want to know about me and more

Yesterday, I Had A Good Day. Today I Fell On My Ass.

For the past 2 weeks this post has been sitting on my computer and I have not gotten back to it.  It doesn’t make much scene to me now but it is what I was going thru at the time. This is the part where I fell on my ass.  If I post this then I can move on and tell you all about the “good” days!

Yesterday, I Had A Good Day. Today I Fell On My Ass.

And I am finally willing to say that out loud.   Well the first part of it anyway.

But first…

Today I woke up pissed.  (I think it was Sept 8) Probably because I hurt so much.  the mad just seemed to take over.   I did my yoga for the first time in a long time hoping that would help.  It helped the pain but not the pissy-ness.  I almost posted this as my Facebook Status but gawd!!!! I swear if I hear “It will take time.” “You will heal at your own pace.” “You will never get over this but you will move on.” I will hurt someone.  Really? You think I don’t know this by now? After 2 months of hearing it from EVERYONE???  I understand that these are things people say in the hopes of helping me out and making me feel better.  And I appreciate the thought but someone please tell me how “you will never get over this” or “you HAD what some people never find” is supposed to make me fell any freakin better????  NO I AM NEVER GOING TO GET OVER THIS!!!!  I AM GOING TO HURT AND MISS HIM EVERY SINGLE DAY FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE!!!!  Yes! I HAD a love like most people never find, BUT HE IS GONE!!!!  THE LOVE OF MY LIFE, THE OTHER HALF OF ME, PART OF MY SOUL IS NEVER COMING BACK!!!!  I WILL NEVER TALK TO, LAUGH WITH, OR HOLD HIM AGAIN!! And you telling me this over and over and over again ISN’T FREAKING HELPING ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

But I have decided that I am not going to let it beat me.

Well, not only did I spew here, but in order not to let this beat me, I went out into Ed’s pickup and screamed.  But I didn’t scream any where near as long as I though I would.  I only screamed and cried for about 2 minutes, when, in the tiny rational part of my brain that still held on in all of my craziness this morning, I thought I would scream for 10-15 minutes.  Then I just sat.  The truck was warm.  It smelled like him.  I felt him all around me.  I got a hug.  And everything was OK.

I had asked one of my best friends to call me when I was crazy.  Thankfully she called after I calmed down.  We talked for about 20 minutes and it was good.  It’s a very good thing I pulled it together because we had an appointment with the nurse shortly after.

Once that appointment, which went well by the way, I came back in and started to edit this entry. But I stopped myself.  That is how I felt and that’s what I was going thru.   I do not want to sound ungrateful to all of the people who love me and have supported thru this hell I am in.  I know that the strength that everyone says I have comes directly from them. I feel like that baby who is learning to walk and has a fit and swats at the hands that are just trying to help.  I guess I am ready to take a few tottering steps on my own and I am swatting at the hands that are just trying to help.  All I have heard for the last two months is how hard this is going to be.  Yeah, I know, thanks.  Now lets move on.

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Posted by on September 18, 2012 in A New Life, About Me, Little Bits, No Holding Back

 

Standing Still At The Speed Of Light

Some days I feel like I couldn’t move if I had a gun to my head.  I am totally numb.  Like the world is moving forward and I am sitting here crying and wondering how I am going to go on.  Wallowing in self-pity, grief, and a sever case of poor me-izam-ness.

The next day I am up and moving and getting things finished and moving forward so fast I wonder what the hell is happening.  I am plowing thru the really hard things, clearing Ed’s estate.  Cleaning and moving his things, making phone calls, getting things started.  I am even starting to make plans for my future.  I feel like I am really making progress until I hit a wall.  I burst into tears, cry and scream and then go on to the next thing on the list, until till I drop into bed exhausted..  Last week was a perfect example.

Tuesday:  I don’t remember Tuesday.  That’s sad.  I don’t remember any of what I did Tuesday. Did I mention that my Doctor almost tippled the nerve pain med that he put me on? I just went up from 300mg to 800mg!! That may be why I was so numb.

Wednesday:  I  made up a mycoderm abrasion type face scrub with baking soda, Vitamin E oil, Jojoba oil and Essential oils.  I love it.  Ed called all of my home-made stuff my lotions potions and brews! He knew me so well!

I decided that instead of “fixing” all of the photos that I have on my computer, I am just going to dump them all onto CD’s and only keep a few on my computer.  Now that’s one hell of a job!  13 years of duplicates!  What a mess!  If anyone knows of a good program to get rid of duplicate photos that all have different names, please let me know!! Then I hit one of those walls.  I found a video of Ed playing his guitar.  It was so hard to watch him and realize that these little electronic bits and bytes are all that I have left of him.  I must have cried those deep gut wrenching sobs for half an hour.  I miss him so much!

Just as I was pulling myself back together, Mum’s home health aide knocked on the door, so I went to run some errands.  I didn’t get them all done but I did go to the funeral home and pay for my husbands funeral. That still sounds wrong.  The words my husband and funeral should not go in the same sentence.  I made it thru that without crying somehow, maybe because I had just cried so much over the videos.  I also picked up Mum’s new prescriptions, and went to the bank and got more of that mess taken care of.  That is almost done now.

I also had a contractor and a realtor come and look at the house.  The thought of selling this house is so hard.  Never mind that this land has been in the family for over 100 years and it falls to me to sell it, never mind that I never made any secret of the fact that I wanted to move back to Maine some day, it still hurts to think of selling OUR home. I look around this house and I see all that he did for me, all that he built for me, that we built for each other, and I feel honorably about wanting to get the hell out of here.  I feel like I am being so ungrateful for all he did and went thru for me, to give me a home.  I feel like such a snot when I think about how I’ve talked about this house. I’ve called it a money pit, a dive and a dump and it’s not. Yes, all of the projects that we didn’t get finished, make me feel like I’ve lived in a never-ending construction zone, but we were working on it.  We were doing it together and we having so much fun. Yes, I could hire someone to come in and finish all of the projects, but these are projects that Ed and I started. Projects that Ed and I were going to finish.  Someday.  We just didn’t get that far.

I may have told you this before but, Ed and I actually talked about what if.  I told him he was going to have to tell me what to do because “I am just going to want to curl up into a ball and pull the covers over my head for a year or so”  He said “Well that’s stupid.  Cut and run baby, sell the house and move home.  It’s where you want to be anyway.”  So selling this house is what he expected me to do, what he wanted me to do.  That is one thing that I keep telling myself.  So I called a realtor and contractor to find out what to do next.  She is going to get back to me next week.

Thursday:  Mum and I went shopping and running errands and had lunch at Sonic.  I don’t remember specifics.  It’s a blur.  Thursday was 8 weeks.

Friday: A friend of mums came to hang out with her and ended up dusting my house and vacuuming the floors.  What was I doing?   I was trying to clean the cobwebs out of my head by going for a motorcycle ride.  This time it didn’t work.  I was sooooo sad.  I miss Ed so much.  My head was so full of missing him and wanting to hear his voice again, and on a damn video.  I believe that he tried to cheer me up.  I had figured out what roads I would take and off I went.  I came around a corner in a tiny town and there was a small mom and pop store on the left.  I didn’t know I was going to stop till I had pulled in.  I thought, “What the hell am I doing here! Oh well, I might as well go in.”  I came out with this:

I can see me wearing this!

I can see me wearing this!

“And its Pink!” is a joke that Ed and I had so I really think that going into that mom and pop was Ed’s way of making me laugh.

Saturday:  I had a 1 hour massage that took 3 hours!  I came out of there feeling so much better.  Not only did my body feel better but my mind was a bit more settled also.  When I go in for a massage, I can cry uncontrollably if I need to, Debbie doesn’t mind. When my mind and body are relaxed I can feel Ed with me much better than when I am tense.  With my mind and body feel better and I was able to see past my grief and need to hold on to him thru holding on to his “stuff”.

Saturday night:  I took another really huge step with the moving forward. I know this is a bit on the gross side but two nights before Ed died I had changed the sheets on our bed and I haven’t been able to bring myself to change them since.  We had been in negotiations to buy new bedding  for months and in May, he finally said go ahead.  I just never did.  Until the beginning of August.  Friday the new sheets and duvet and cover got here, after the 3 hour cry/massage, Saturday night I was able to change everything out.  I will never get rid of the sheets and blankets that we used but I needed to take this step forward.

Our Bed

Our Bed

My new bed

My new bed

I could hear Ed saying “Where the hell do we sleep?”

Sunday:  Sunday I got a lot done!  I cleaned out the linen closet and packed up that stuff to be donated, dealt with (or found a way to put off dealing with) my plumbing issues, went to pick up the new RX that Dr. Stewart called in for me, (I am back to 300 MG) cleaned up after the dogs, not my favorite job, mowed the lawn, and found out where the battery is in my car is because I needed to jump-start the truck.  After that didn’t work I remembered that the cables may be bad, so I said to hell with it all and came in and started writing.

I feel like I am standing still because I can’t see that I am getting anything done.  I have days were I get tons of little things done but can’t move forward with the bigger things.  I feel like I still have so much to do.  I feel like I have moved forward and away from Ed so fast.  I feel like there is nothing of his that has been untouched.  I feel like the things that are so huge to me, are so tiny and insignificant to the rest of the world. “OK, you changed the sheets and bedding?  So what?”  I feel like I am moving forward so fast that people will look at me and say “You mean you cleaned out his truck after only 7 weeks?  I would have waited at least 3 months!”

I feel like I am standing still at the speed of light

 
 
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