For the past 2 weeks this post has been sitting on my computer and I have not gotten back to it. It doesn’t make much scene to me now but it is what I was going thru at the time. This is the part where I fell on my ass. If I post this then I can move on and tell you all about the “good” days!
Yesterday, I Had A Good Day. Today I Fell On My Ass.
And I am finally willing to say that out loud. Well the first part of it anyway.
But first…
Today I woke up pissed. (I think it was Sept 8) Probably because I hurt so much. the mad just seemed to take over. I did my yoga for the first time in a long time hoping that would help. It helped the pain but not the pissy-ness. I almost posted this as my Facebook Status but gawd!!!! I swear if I hear “It will take time.” “You will heal at your own pace.” “You will never get over this but you will move on.” I will hurt someone. Really? You think I don’t know this by now? After 2 months of hearing it from EVERYONE??? I understand that these are things people say in the hopes of helping me out and making me feel better. And I appreciate the thought but someone please tell me how “you will never get over this” or “you HAD what some people never find” is supposed to make me fell any freakin better???? NO I AM NEVER GOING TO GET OVER THIS!!!! I AM GOING TO HURT AND MISS HIM EVERY SINGLE DAY FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE!!!! Yes! I HAD a love like most people never find, BUT HE IS GONE!!!! THE LOVE OF MY LIFE, THE OTHER HALF OF ME, PART OF MY SOUL IS NEVER COMING BACK!!!! I WILL NEVER TALK TO, LAUGH WITH, OR HOLD HIM AGAIN!! And you telling me this over and over and over again ISN’T FREAKING HELPING ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1
But I have decided that I am not going to let it beat me.
Well, not only did I spew here, but in order not to let this beat me, I went out into Ed’s pickup and screamed. But I didn’t scream any where near as long as I though I would. I only screamed and cried for about 2 minutes, when, in the tiny rational part of my brain that still held on in all of my craziness this morning, I thought I would scream for 10-15 minutes. Then I just sat. The truck was warm. It smelled like him. I felt him all around me. I got a hug. And everything was OK.
I had asked one of my best friends to call me when I was crazy. Thankfully she called after I calmed down. We talked for about 20 minutes and it was good. It’s a very good thing I pulled it together because we had an appointment with the nurse shortly after.
Once that appointment, which went well by the way, I came back in and started to edit this entry. But I stopped myself. That is how I felt and that’s what I was going thru. I do not want to sound ungrateful to all of the people who love me and have supported thru this hell I am in. I know that the strength that everyone says I have comes directly from them. I feel like that baby who is learning to walk and has a fit and swats at the hands that are just trying to help. I guess I am ready to take a few tottering steps on my own and I am swatting at the hands that are just trying to help. All I have heard for the last two months is how hard this is going to be. Yeah, I know, thanks. Now lets move on.
From The Corner Of Two Dirt Roads 
Jochen Gren
November 22, 2012 at 10:37 pm
Hi Amy
Me again – I know just what you mean about that crap time is not a healer time is just a measure of distance that is put between the two of you. I’m still dealing with “IT” but making helps me more than anything else. I was struggling being me, I worked in the Fire Brigade years ago and had an accident and now live with chronic pain and crumbling spine, pain killers that are getting stronger and stronger. This week I was told by my GP that when I reach 100mg each end of the day of morphine I’ll have to stop driving I broke down in the surgery at that, and my GP sat and let me cry,
I said for gods sake I’m a man I shouldn’t cry. And she told me that everytime I cried it was a safety valve going off and it was a healthy thing to do, over time I cried about Buffy but now perhaps not as much I asked if that was wrong
“No she said it’s learning to walk again by yourself and not to feel guilty” it was only later it really clicked what she’d said. She still calls round to my home when she passes by and we have a cup of tea or coffee it’s this time when you know who your true friends are they listen to your anger, your pain, and your loss. I’m still tidying things from Buffy, now though it’s small things. One day my Doctor said you’ll tidy your own things and that will be a strange day. But she said you’ll deal with it because there are people out there who love you and care for you
Sorry if this is a bit disjointed I’m not very good about writing things down, crappy speller and crappy at grammar as well. But if you’re not offended I hope you’ll not be offended if I write.
You’re in my prayers for you to have peace, happiness and prosperity to come into your life again.
Thinking about you
Jochen (Js’ Jewellery)
Amy Underwood
November 23, 2012 at 8:27 am
Jochen,
A safety valve and learning to walk. You sir, have a wonderful GP! I saw a postcard/sticker on FB the other day and it made reference to liquid memories running down your cheek and I really liked that one too. I equate this time as time “learning to breath again” I also concentrate on my future because thinking about my now is so hurtful.
You can keep on posting with out worrying about spelling or grammar darlin!
I have seen your work and I just love it!
Amy
Jochen Gren
November 23, 2012 at 5:57 pm
Amy you are a kind and generous Lady, thank you for letting me talk.
Jochen xxxx
Amy Underwood
November 30, 2012 at 7:05 pm
Any time!
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