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Monthly Archives: September 2012

What am I going to do with myself for the next 40-50 years?

Ed took my future with him when he died 3 months ago.

Knowing that the future that we planed can’t happen and trying to accept it, has been very difficult.  All of my plans are bitter sweet. On one hand this is not the future we had planed!!!  I want my old future back!  On the other hand, I am almost to the point now where I am a bit excited about my future.

I have a feeling down deep in my gut that my mum will have “gone to hang out with Ed and Bentley” by this time next year.

None of us know when it will happen and I am by no means looking forward to that day. Knowing that my Mum is dieing and trying to make plans with out feeling guilty has not been easy. All of my plans are for “After” my mum dies!  For me to talk about what I want to do implies that I am looking forward to her passing, doesn’t it?  I know! I know!  It doesn’t mean that at all, but it sure feels that way sometimes.

All of my plans are revolving around her right now.  Nurses and aids and family visits (Oh My!)  Meds and appointments and bills… good god!  Thinking about my “now” is a bit on the overwhelming side.  If I think about my past I cry.  I am so tired of crying.  I know I am not done crying yet but thinking about my new future helps.  I have discoverer that if I plan my future I do not have to think of then or now.  So…

Plan A:  Find a strong sexy Irish farmer and move to Ireland. To expensive and no one will ever live up to Ed.

Plan B:  buy an RV and drive all over the country.  Yeah that would be fun till I broke down in the middle of  Wyoming…

Plan C:  “Cut and run.  Sell the house and move back to Maine.”  It is what he told me to do.  He knew it is where I want to be.   Where in Maine?  Its a really big state.

  • Southern Maine with “my” kids and the grand baby girls?
  • Bangor with my brother and his family?  Half way between my grand babies and my dad?
  • Millinocket with my dad and lots of family?

Southern Maine.  I could buy a house or get an apartment right across the street from the girls school and take care of them for Bre!!  Oh wait… It’s pretty expensive.  I would have to go right back to work and that would mean I couldn’t do what I really want to do.  Sigh…

Bangor.  I love Bangor!!!! I love the area, the shopping, the old houses all of it! I could rent an apartment in one of those old houses again!  I could go back to work part time!  I could pay $12000 for a year of doing what???  Then there is Abby… Pretty hard to find an apartment that is reasonably priced that will let me have Abby… this just doesn’t feel right.  Yet.

Millinocket.  Home.  Small town. Cheep houses.  Home.  Family.  My Mountian.  I want to go home.  I want to curl up in my dad’s back room and cry for a while then go on a road trip and visit all of the people who have said you can come visit me! PERFECT!!!!  It is only 4 hrs away from grand baby girls.  I could go down every other weekend!  I could cry for a month or two then… then… I could… well damn.

What am I going to do for the next 40 years????

I will not go back out on the road with out Ed.  I could. I am not going to get rid of my CDL.  But it would not be the same.  Or right.  Or fun.  It would just plain old hurt to much.

I could go back to school…but for what?  They say do what you know.  Do what you love. I want to do something I love and I want to make Ed proud of me. What do I love?  I love making things.  I love fixing things.  I love making my jewelery. What would make Ed proud.  Me being happy and living my life on my terms. Ya Ya Ya… What did I DO that made him proud?  Me driving that truck made him so proud of me but that’s out. Gasp! Ed was proud of my jewelry too!

WAIT!!!  I could make a go of Sterling Lace!!!

  • He supported me in every way.
  • Making jewelry all started with him.  He gave me an amethyst for Christmas one year and when I said “oh… its pretty!  What am I going to do with it?”  He said “I thought you could go down and pick out the setting yourself.”  That is when the creative design juices began to flow.  So this love of jewelry thing… its all his fault anyway.
  • He helped me pick out tools. (He always told me to go with the best tools.)
  • He showed off my jewelry to friends AND complete strangers (that is going a bit for a man as anti-social as my husband admitted he was!)
  • He would buy me tools for Valentines Day, My birthday and Christmas!  I must love making jewelry if I didn’t get upset about that!
  • And my final bit of evidence that my husband was proud of and impressed with my jewelery making?  He let me have real estate in the man cave.  OK, so technically he had moved from the garage man cave into the shop man cave but still… I have a work bench in the garage!!

One problem.  I don’t really know what the hell I am doing with the jewelry thing.  Every thing that I know about making jewelry I got from Google and YouTube.  If I am going to make this work, I need some kind of training. What medium do I want to focus on? Again, what do I love.  Silver.  I love working with silver.  So back to Google I go.  Search: Silversmith schools.  First result?  Maine College of Art.  Portland Maine.  Perfect!!  Until I kept reading and saw the price tag.  NEXT! Same story for the next 5 schools that had 4 year Jewelry Design degrees.

Then I found it.  The Revere Academy of Jewelry Design.  This place sounds great!  It sounds fun! It is in San Fransisco!  The one city that I told Ed I think I may be able and willing to live in if I had to. After a couple of weeks of research, talking to a few close advisers/friends and looking into as many details and I could think of, I think that for 6 months starting next October I will be living in San Fransisco going to school and by March of 2014 I will be a Bench Jeweler.

OK  then what?  (are you getting the idea that I am not comfortable unless I have a plan?  A very detailed plan?)  I spend all of this money on this school and I go back to Millinocket and… I could become Mr. W.!!  He was one of two jewelers in town when I was growing up.  Back when the town and mill were still alive. When ever I went into Mr. W.’s store, I always wanted to sneak back there and see what he was doing at that workbench and see what he used all of those tools for.  Mr. W. has since passed away.  His building is for sale.  I was told that his tools are still there and everything!  I could go to school, move home and open Mr. W’s store again!!  With a new name of course.

After more talk and getting all kinds of excited (in a very bitter-sweet way) and changing my mind a million times and falling in love with a house in Millinocket, offering this house to the Underwood family doing the math, and everything… I decided to stay in Arkansas.

Plan C.

 

I feel like Max Klinger from M.A.S.H!  You know, Klinger…the one that was bucking for a section 8 discharge because all he wanted to do was go home?  The one that in the last episode has fallen in love with a Korean girl and decides to help her find her family and says “I am staying in Korea!”

Plan D:  Next October, I am hoping to go to San Fransisco and go to The Revere Academy of Jewelry Arts and take the Graduate Jeweler program.  But I am going to stay in Arkansas until then.  But good lord what am I going to do in this house alone for a year or so??  I could take a class or two.  Maybe.  It would be a good thing to do. I guess.  Yoga.  Photography.  Hey I wonder if there is a small business management class?

Today I applied to the community college here in town for the Associates Degree in Retail Marketing.
If I am going to make a go of Sterling Lace, and make Ed proud, and do what I love, damn it I better know what I am doing all the way around.  So now I am just waiting for the college that I went to in 1990-92 to send my transcript to UACCM and see what will transfer and what classes I can fit in before next Oct.  I also need to go out to San Fransisco and check out that school and take a foundation class and check out were I will be living to make sure everything is going to work out.  That may be in July.

Maybe maybe maybe.  Well.  I think this is the right thing to do.  It all seems to be happening so easily.  So far.  I decided to stay.  I bought a new stove.  It isn’t the stove that we were going to get but then again I may not be here as long as we thought either.  I called to get an estimate on some things that need to be done on the house.  I ordered propane.

Yeah… I think I am staying.  But then what?  Well one of the biggest reasons that I have not made an offer on the house that I love in Millinocket is because… I don’t know.  I may end up getting a job offer while I am at school for someplace cool like Hawaii or Bimini… or Ireland…

 

 
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Posted by on September 18, 2012 in A New Life, Learning Something New

 

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Yesterday, I Had A Good Day. Today I Fell On My Ass.

For the past 2 weeks this post has been sitting on my computer and I have not gotten back to it.  It doesn’t make much scene to me now but it is what I was going thru at the time. This is the part where I fell on my ass.  If I post this then I can move on and tell you all about the “good” days!

Yesterday, I Had A Good Day. Today I Fell On My Ass.

And I am finally willing to say that out loud.   Well the first part of it anyway.

But first…

Today I woke up pissed.  (I think it was Sept 8) Probably because I hurt so much.  the mad just seemed to take over.   I did my yoga for the first time in a long time hoping that would help.  It helped the pain but not the pissy-ness.  I almost posted this as my Facebook Status but gawd!!!! I swear if I hear “It will take time.” “You will heal at your own pace.” “You will never get over this but you will move on.” I will hurt someone.  Really? You think I don’t know this by now? After 2 months of hearing it from EVERYONE???  I understand that these are things people say in the hopes of helping me out and making me feel better.  And I appreciate the thought but someone please tell me how “you will never get over this” or “you HAD what some people never find” is supposed to make me fell any freakin better????  NO I AM NEVER GOING TO GET OVER THIS!!!!  I AM GOING TO HURT AND MISS HIM EVERY SINGLE DAY FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE!!!!  Yes! I HAD a love like most people never find, BUT HE IS GONE!!!!  THE LOVE OF MY LIFE, THE OTHER HALF OF ME, PART OF MY SOUL IS NEVER COMING BACK!!!!  I WILL NEVER TALK TO, LAUGH WITH, OR HOLD HIM AGAIN!! And you telling me this over and over and over again ISN’T FREAKING HELPING ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

But I have decided that I am not going to let it beat me.

Well, not only did I spew here, but in order not to let this beat me, I went out into Ed’s pickup and screamed.  But I didn’t scream any where near as long as I though I would.  I only screamed and cried for about 2 minutes, when, in the tiny rational part of my brain that still held on in all of my craziness this morning, I thought I would scream for 10-15 minutes.  Then I just sat.  The truck was warm.  It smelled like him.  I felt him all around me.  I got a hug.  And everything was OK.

I had asked one of my best friends to call me when I was crazy.  Thankfully she called after I calmed down.  We talked for about 20 minutes and it was good.  It’s a very good thing I pulled it together because we had an appointment with the nurse shortly after.

Once that appointment, which went well by the way, I came back in and started to edit this entry. But I stopped myself.  That is how I felt and that’s what I was going thru.   I do not want to sound ungrateful to all of the people who love me and have supported thru this hell I am in.  I know that the strength that everyone says I have comes directly from them. I feel like that baby who is learning to walk and has a fit and swats at the hands that are just trying to help.  I guess I am ready to take a few tottering steps on my own and I am swatting at the hands that are just trying to help.  All I have heard for the last two months is how hard this is going to be.  Yeah, I know, thanks.  Now lets move on.

 
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Posted by on September 18, 2012 in A New Life, About Me, Little Bits, No Holding Back

 
 
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