Harder Than I Thought It Would Be.

15 Aug

Wow.  O.K.  Cleaning out his truck really sucked.

You see, his truck was so special to him.  Almost as special as his boat, and his bike.  But that truck?  Yeah that was his baby.  He had wanted that truck for a long long time.  When he finally got it in 2010 he was soooooo pleased.  To hear him talk, you would have thought it was his first born!    HE drove the truck.  I had to ask to use it, and he didn’t say yes very often.  We used that truck to go back and forth to work and we had a system of tubs that we used to hold all of the crap that we took with us.  When we went together, we took 9 tubs and filled the back seat.  I do not understand how he managed to go by himself with just one tub, the bedding, his cloths and his shower bag.

Ed loved his truck

Ed loved his truck

When he went on trips by himself he didn’t really bother to clean “all of his junk” out of the pickup.  This last trip was no exception.  I had told him to bring in the bedding and I would wash it but he never got to it.  The day after he passed I realized that he hadn’t cleaned out the truck.  I couldn’t bring myself to open it up and clean it out.  I could not let anyone into the truck or touch these things until I was ready to do it myself.

The day that Ed passed away, I had a few seconds where I almost let myself believe that he was just out on the road.  He was alive and OK.  He was going to be coming home any minute.  I forced myself to realize that no, he was gone.  He was not out on the road.  He was not OK.  He wasn’t coming back.  Apparently, I didn’t do as good of a job as I thought I did.

I opened that truck door, and saw where he sat, the bedding that he slept on, the things that he touched, the things that were so familiar, the things that we lived with and we used everyday for so long.  I had to stop. I was going to have to bring those things inside and put them away one last time.  It was so hard.  It was so final. It made it all so real.  Knowing that he was the last one to touch these things made it so very hard.

I managed to do it.  Again, with the help of one of my best friends, who was on the phone with me thru the first few minutes and many more tears.  She talked me thru it.  She listened to me cry, and scream and yell at him and cry some more.  If she hadn’t “been with me” I don’t think I could have done it. To her I say a big big big THANK YOU DARLIN!!!!  Once I calmed down a bit, I was able to let her go back to driving (Yeah one of my best friends is another lady trucker!) and get on with it.

I was finally able to take his things into the house.  I put our pillows on our bed and our comforter too.  I put his cloths away and put the tub with his TV, VCR & DVD players.  As hard as putting our pillows away was, seeing his favorite movies made me “lose it” all over again.  Grief is an odd thing.  It makes you do really silly things.  Like keeping the empty Root Bear bottle because his lips touched that and it has been sealed ever since.  Like making you cry when you see his log book and you realize that we just had our D.O.T. physicals and we both passed with flying colors.  Lot of good that did huh? I still can’t unroll our memory foam that has the sheets that he slept on or open his shower bag that he always had with him.

Once I was done putting all of these things away, and had moved the truck so I can mow under it later, I just sat and cried.  I say sat… It was more like flopped on top of all of the pillows and blankets on our bed and had a 15 minute screaming fit.  It was as if I had just found him. It was as bad as that morning all over again.  it hurt.  It was so fresh.  I managed to get to sleep that night somehow but I am not sure how.

Sunday, was just a sad day.  A day I was just going to allow myself  to sit and do nothing.  A day for crying and feeling sorry for myself and missing my husband.  I worked on a puzzle most of the day.  I made mac and cheese and we talked with another weekend nurse who came to visit.  I went out to water the plants that Ed and I planted and the trees that he loved so much.  I sat and talked with my girlfriend for quite a while and got a lot of stuff off my chest so to speak.  I was kind of looking forward to the meteor showers.  I had coffee at 9pm.  by 9:30 the clouds had rolled in and the thunderstorms had started.  Figures.  I was so disappointed.  By midnight I had a new burst of energy and I got my kitchen cleaned up.  I don’t know if I just didn’t want to go to bed because of the pillows and comforter or what, but I must say that I slept better last night than I have in a while now.
Monday I dealt with the fact that they brought the hospital bed for my mum.  It looks so strange.  Everything is becoming so real.  Mum is sick.  She is under hospice care.  Ed is gone.  He was supposed to be here to help me deal with this part.   I don’t have a job.  I don’t have to drive that truck anymore.  The life I knew is over.  WOW.  A friend who texts me every evening to check in with me asked how I was doing.  I had to tell her that I was pretty numb.  That’s exactly how I feel.  Numb.  I don’t know how to deal with this.  I don’t know how I am dealing with this.  I know that eventually I will look back on this and I will be able to see how I am doing this.  I think that it is really just all of my friends and family holding me up…







Posted by on August 15, 2012 in A New Life


Tags: , , ,

3 responses to “Harder Than I Thought It Would Be.

  1. aunt norma

    August 16, 2012 at 2:03 am

    another step baby girl….. I am so proud of you!!!!!!

  2. Jochen Gren

    November 22, 2012 at 10:03 pm

    I’ve just read above and it takes day at time, an hour at a time, a minute at a time, a second at a time each point in time we move forward and away from that one person. It feels like what you’re doing is wrong because you’re by yourself. My darling Buffy died four years ago this month, eighteen months ago my youngest son Chris was diagnosed with the same illness as Buffy and a year ago Simon my eldest was tested as well we get the results next month. Come what may I’m “there” for them whatever that means, so finally I started to make again which is painful be Buffy was always there to to tell if it was any good or not. I live a life I don’t want because I’m me instead of us. I look at the work you have made and it’s lovely it’s in the work you become lost again because time is suspended . In the last four years Buffy has been back because I smelt her perfume and once felt the bed move in the way it did when she was dreaming. The things I make are a way I honour her memory it’s the only way I have now. She was my wife, my lover, my best friend she was my everything. I’ve hit the follow so from time to time I hope you won’t mind if I say something
    All I can is you’re in my prayers to give you better days, happier days, days where there’ll be love and care for you
    All the best Jochen (Js’ Jewellery

    • Amy Underwood

      November 23, 2012 at 8:18 am

      I am sorry for your loss also! I agree that we can only go on moment by moment and that this future I have now is not what I wanted and I am not a whole person anymore because, like you said, I am me, not us. 13 years of being us will take longer than 5 months to get used to.

      I am sorry your son is sick and am really hoping your oldest is fine. Let me know how it turns out for you!

      OH! And you can comment all you want darlin!!! I really need to get back to posting…



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