They are right. For me anyway.
My life was perfect. I had a fun job. I had a great dog. I had a wonderful Mum who was happily living in and helping me take care of my home. And I had the most wonderful, amazing, talented, perfect for me husband, partner and best friend. I even had a cool mother-in-law. I thought that 2011 sucked because I had to watch my mother-in-law die and support my husband thru it. Yes it was a privilege to be with her at the end but it was very difficult. Then I told you about my Mum’s heart attach and her 5 bypass surgery. The last post I did brought you up to March. Let me tell you the rest of the story.
I came home. My last trip on the truck ended April 13. I came home to “do the taxes” and because my Mum was told that she had lung cancer. We were not sure what stage it was and the plan was for me to stay home and take care of mum until this mess was settled one way or another. We were all hoping that it would work out that mum would fight this thing, win, life would go on and I would get back on the truck. My personal plan was to do such a good job of taking of taking care of the house and mum that Ed would see that I was meant to stay home and be a house wife and he should come off the road and run local.
May was spent trying to find a Doctor for mum, Ed keeping me sane and us playing when he was home. See Ed would take loads to NYC or Hartford, then bring a load back. When he was home we would go for bike rides or go out on the boat. While I was home alone with mum, I was spring cleaning my home and making my own cleaning supplies, trying out Pinterest projects, missing Ed and trying to learn to sleep alone.
The only way to describe June would be to call it the month from Hell. Well it did have a few Highlights.
June 1st: My mum was diagnosed with late stage 3/early stage 4 lung cancer and started radiation and chemo treatments. 2 hour round trip drive 4 days a week for a 1/2 hour treatment and one 12+ hour day for Chemo & Radiation.
June 3rd: My mum turned… well… it was her birthday. I made her a cake and we had a nice meal and Ed stayed home with us long enough to have dinner with us.
June 8th: Ed’s dream finally came true. He bought his pontoon boat. He had wanted a pontoon boat since he was a kid and used to go out on the one his grandpa built. He had talked about this boat for years. ‘Someday I want a Pontoon boat.” “Some day I am going to have a Pontoon boat and its going to be…” He had been watching Craig’s list for months. He would say “I think I found the boat!” I would say “Well go get it!” he would say “Naw. I’m going to wait.” But while I was in Little Rock with Mum having an IV Port implanted, Ed was out buying his boat! He bought it from a friend of ours from down the road. When mum and I came home, I got her settled and went out to explore Ed’s new boat, and I started cleaning. I even managed to impress him with my home made cleaner! It is such a pretty boat!!! As I was cleaning I said “Happy Anniversary!! You may have done all of the work but I got you a boat for our anniversary!” He said “And it’s Pink!” and we laughed.
June 9th: We went out on the boat. We spent 8 hours out on the boat and neither of us were sunburned! We had such a blast! We explored Lake Dardanell or part of it anyway. We had lunch on the lake, drowned some worms while we pretended to fish and relaxed. We named the boat “The Weekend Waterbed” It was beyond wonderful. I can not explain how much fun we had on that boat. When we got home and everything was put away he smiled and looked at me and said “Well, I got my money’s worth out of that boat today. If I never get to go out on that boat again, I will be OK with that!”
June 10th: Ed and I were ordering new seats for the pontoon. He said “This way you can lay back and read a book while I fish and you can be comfortable too.” While we were hanging out in the shop doing this, my second married Valentines day present, my little love, my buddy, my baby, my wonderful dog Bentley, was attached by the dogs that are owned by the person who lives 2 doors up. I say he owns them but not that they live there or that he takes care of them. They run wild thru the neighborhood and are very destructive. They mauled another dog, and even tried to kill one of the lama’s that are in the field across the road. But I wasn’t paying attention. Once I got Bentley to the vet, she told me that they must have picked him up and shook him. She said that we could do the surgeries and try to save him but it may only give us another week at the most the way his skin was ripped. I couldn’t put him thru that. I brought him home and Ed, Mum, Abby, Sadie and I buried him under the weeping willow that Ed had just planted for me.
June 13th: Mum is starting to get sick from the Radiation and Chemo.
June 16th: Our 11th wedding anniversary. It was the first time we were not together on our anniversary. Ed was in NYC/NJ getting empty and reloaded. I spent the day with my niece and her husband. We had dinner and talked about the military patches and stuff that I have that belonged to my Grampy Nason. We had a great visit and I looked forward to doing it again.
June 17th: Ed got loaded and drove to Carlisle PA on the 16th and got up at 2 Am on the 17th and started driving. By 9pm he was home. He drove over 1100 miles to make it home to be with me.
June 18th: Mum and I went to radiation in the morning and managed to get home a bit early. Ed wasn’t here and I sent him a text. He said “your early!” I just asked when he would be home. He said “in just a bit”. Well did he come home with a “bang” He had 1 dozen red roses for me. They sparkled and they were beautiful. He also got a bottle of my favorite fragrance oil and a bottle of his. It was wonderful. He cooked me dinner too.
June 19th: The anniversary of our first “Date”. After mum’s radiation treatment, we were back out on the lake. Not the same lake but we were back out on that Pontoon boat! The lake that we went to has slips for rent and Ed said “We could going to get a slip and keep the boat up at the lake so that we could ride the bikes up to the lake, spend the day on the lake then drive home. Would you like that?” My reply “How perfect!!!!”
June 20th: After radiation I had a doctors appointment. We are trying to find out why I am holding so much water that I look like a Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade Balloon and why I am always in so much pain. My Doctor decided to test me for Lupus and Rheumatoid Arthritis. There was no way I was going to go home and tell Ed that and worry him. Why would I? I wasn’t worried about it, and the Doctor gave me pills anyway. Ed and I went to bed that night but he got back up and said he wasn’t feeling well.
June 21St: The day my world came to an end. The day husband died. I got out of bed and found Ed in his chair in the living room. I don’t remember much after finding him. I know my mum stood right up for me and took care of me. I know there were ambulance people and they were worried about and checking me out when they should have been helping Ed. I know there was a coroner in my home. I know that there were funeral home people here. A sheriff was too. I made phone calls. I must have, because I remember talking to Ed’s kids, my dad, Ed’s sister and brother, my 2 best friends, Other friends and my little brother. I remember I had to go pick up flowers and a prescription. I guess I remember more than I thought I did. I remember wanting to go to bed but not wanting to fall asleep alone. I remember talking on the phone with a truly great friend. I remember being woken up by Ed’s best friend calling me. I hadn’t called him because he was on vacation with his wife and I didn’t want to ruin it for them. I remember falling asleep with another friend on the phone.
In the weeks that followed, I wrote my husband’s obituary, planned his funeral, and brought his ashes home in the boot of the motorcycle trailer that he loved so much. I have removed my husbands name from policies and returned the boat seats that he ordered for me, figured out my bills and written a budget. I have written thank you notes and cried a million tears. I have survived his funeral and my 41st birthday. I have leaned on family, friends and total strangers. I have also tried to support Ed’s children even though I know I have not been able to do a very good job. I have tried to take care of my mother and I know that hasn’t gone well because we have been in and out of the hospital twice. I know that stress and the radiation and chemo are to blame but I still feel that I should have done a better job. From the day after Ed died, until July 31, we were not in this house alone thanks to wonderful friends and family that came to stay with us. Somewhere in all of this, my doctor called and the tests they took the day before Ed passed came back negative.
It has been 47 days and Mum and I are learning to adjust to life with out Ed. I am beginning to pull myself together I told Ed once that if anything ever happened to him I would just go to bed and pull the covers over my head for about a year. His reply? “Well that’s stupid. You have a month then cut and run. Sell the house and go home to Maine.” I haven’t curled up yet. I will not start getting the house ready to sell until mum “goes to hang out with Ed” as we are starting to say it. You see, the doctors have stopped mums radiation and chemo because “The tumor has not responded to treatment as dramatically as we had hoped it would.” We have scans at the end of August and another Doctors appointment in September to see if there is anything else they can do.
I have lost my Mother-in-Law. I have lost my Bentley. I have lost my husband/partner/team-mate/lover/best friend/support system/center of my world. I have lost my job, my future, my way of life, and soon, I will lose my mother. I am beginning to come up with a plan for “after” but it has, could and will change. I will let you know how it goes.
“They” say that the Mayan Calender ends in 2012 because the world will come to an end. I believe “Them” I know mine did.