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Monthly Archives: August 2012

Standing Still At The Speed Of Light

Some days I feel like I couldn’t move if I had a gun to my head.  I am totally numb.  Like the world is moving forward and I am sitting here crying and wondering how I am going to go on.  Wallowing in self-pity, grief, and a sever case of poor me-izam-ness.

The next day I am up and moving and getting things finished and moving forward so fast I wonder what the hell is happening.  I am plowing thru the really hard things, clearing Ed’s estate.  Cleaning and moving his things, making phone calls, getting things started.  I am even starting to make plans for my future.  I feel like I am really making progress until I hit a wall.  I burst into tears, cry and scream and then go on to the next thing on the list, until till I drop into bed exhausted..  Last week was a perfect example.

Tuesday:  I don’t remember Tuesday.  That’s sad.  I don’t remember any of what I did Tuesday. Did I mention that my Doctor almost tippled the nerve pain med that he put me on? I just went up from 300mg to 800mg!! That may be why I was so numb.

Wednesday:  I  made up a mycoderm abrasion type face scrub with baking soda, Vitamin E oil, Jojoba oil and Essential oils.  I love it.  Ed called all of my home-made stuff my lotions potions and brews! He knew me so well!

I decided that instead of “fixing” all of the photos that I have on my computer, I am just going to dump them all onto CD’s and only keep a few on my computer.  Now that’s one hell of a job!  13 years of duplicates!  What a mess!  If anyone knows of a good program to get rid of duplicate photos that all have different names, please let me know!! Then I hit one of those walls.  I found a video of Ed playing his guitar.  It was so hard to watch him and realize that these little electronic bits and bytes are all that I have left of him.  I must have cried those deep gut wrenching sobs for half an hour.  I miss him so much!

Just as I was pulling myself back together, Mum’s home health aide knocked on the door, so I went to run some errands.  I didn’t get them all done but I did go to the funeral home and pay for my husbands funeral. That still sounds wrong.  The words my husband and funeral should not go in the same sentence.  I made it thru that without crying somehow, maybe because I had just cried so much over the videos.  I also picked up Mum’s new prescriptions, and went to the bank and got more of that mess taken care of.  That is almost done now.

I also had a contractor and a realtor come and look at the house.  The thought of selling this house is so hard.  Never mind that this land has been in the family for over 100 years and it falls to me to sell it, never mind that I never made any secret of the fact that I wanted to move back to Maine some day, it still hurts to think of selling OUR home. I look around this house and I see all that he did for me, all that he built for me, that we built for each other, and I feel honorably about wanting to get the hell out of here.  I feel like I am being so ungrateful for all he did and went thru for me, to give me a home.  I feel like such a snot when I think about how I’ve talked about this house. I’ve called it a money pit, a dive and a dump and it’s not. Yes, all of the projects that we didn’t get finished, make me feel like I’ve lived in a never-ending construction zone, but we were working on it.  We were doing it together and we having so much fun. Yes, I could hire someone to come in and finish all of the projects, but these are projects that Ed and I started. Projects that Ed and I were going to finish.  Someday.  We just didn’t get that far.

I may have told you this before but, Ed and I actually talked about what if.  I told him he was going to have to tell me what to do because “I am just going to want to curl up into a ball and pull the covers over my head for a year or so”  He said “Well that’s stupid.  Cut and run baby, sell the house and move home.  It’s where you want to be anyway.”  So selling this house is what he expected me to do, what he wanted me to do.  That is one thing that I keep telling myself.  So I called a realtor and contractor to find out what to do next.  She is going to get back to me next week.

Thursday:  Mum and I went shopping and running errands and had lunch at Sonic.  I don’t remember specifics.  It’s a blur.  Thursday was 8 weeks.

Friday: A friend of mums came to hang out with her and ended up dusting my house and vacuuming the floors.  What was I doing?   I was trying to clean the cobwebs out of my head by going for a motorcycle ride.  This time it didn’t work.  I was sooooo sad.  I miss Ed so much.  My head was so full of missing him and wanting to hear his voice again, and on a damn video.  I believe that he tried to cheer me up.  I had figured out what roads I would take and off I went.  I came around a corner in a tiny town and there was a small mom and pop store on the left.  I didn’t know I was going to stop till I had pulled in.  I thought, “What the hell am I doing here! Oh well, I might as well go in.”  I came out with this:

I can see me wearing this!

I can see me wearing this!

“And its Pink!” is a joke that Ed and I had so I really think that going into that mom and pop was Ed’s way of making me laugh.

Saturday:  I had a 1 hour massage that took 3 hours!  I came out of there feeling so much better.  Not only did my body feel better but my mind was a bit more settled also.  When I go in for a massage, I can cry uncontrollably if I need to, Debbie doesn’t mind. When my mind and body are relaxed I can feel Ed with me much better than when I am tense.  With my mind and body feel better and I was able to see past my grief and need to hold on to him thru holding on to his “stuff”.

Saturday night:  I took another really huge step with the moving forward. I know this is a bit on the gross side but two nights before Ed died I had changed the sheets on our bed and I haven’t been able to bring myself to change them since.  We had been in negotiations to buy new bedding  for months and in May, he finally said go ahead.  I just never did.  Until the beginning of August.  Friday the new sheets and duvet and cover got here, after the 3 hour cry/massage, Saturday night I was able to change everything out.  I will never get rid of the sheets and blankets that we used but I needed to take this step forward.

Our Bed

Our Bed

My new bed

My new bed

I could hear Ed saying “Where the hell do we sleep?”

Sunday:  Sunday I got a lot done!  I cleaned out the linen closet and packed up that stuff to be donated, dealt with (or found a way to put off dealing with) my plumbing issues, went to pick up the new RX that Dr. Stewart called in for me, (I am back to 300 MG) cleaned up after the dogs, not my favorite job, mowed the lawn, and found out where the battery is in my car is because I needed to jump-start the truck.  After that didn’t work I remembered that the cables may be bad, so I said to hell with it all and came in and started writing.

I feel like I am standing still because I can’t see that I am getting anything done.  I have days were I get tons of little things done but can’t move forward with the bigger things.  I feel like I still have so much to do.  I feel like I have moved forward and away from Ed so fast.  I feel like there is nothing of his that has been untouched.  I feel like the things that are so huge to me, are so tiny and insignificant to the rest of the world. “OK, you changed the sheets and bedding?  So what?”  I feel like I am moving forward so fast that people will look at me and say “You mean you cleaned out his truck after only 7 weeks?  I would have waited at least 3 months!”

I feel like I am standing still at the speed of light

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Harder Than I Thought It Would Be.

Wow.  O.K.  Cleaning out his truck really sucked.

You see, his truck was so special to him.  Almost as special as his boat, and his bike.  But that truck?  Yeah that was his baby.  He had wanted that truck for a long long time.  When he finally got it in 2010 he was soooooo pleased.  To hear him talk, you would have thought it was his first born!    HE drove the truck.  I had to ask to use it, and he didn’t say yes very often.  We used that truck to go back and forth to work and we had a system of tubs that we used to hold all of the crap that we took with us.  When we went together, we took 9 tubs and filled the back seat.  I do not understand how he managed to go by himself with just one tub, the bedding, his cloths and his shower bag.

Ed loved his truck

Ed loved his truck

When he went on trips by himself he didn’t really bother to clean “all of his junk” out of the pickup.  This last trip was no exception.  I had told him to bring in the bedding and I would wash it but he never got to it.  The day after he passed I realized that he hadn’t cleaned out the truck.  I couldn’t bring myself to open it up and clean it out.  I could not let anyone into the truck or touch these things until I was ready to do it myself.

The day that Ed passed away, I had a few seconds where I almost let myself believe that he was just out on the road.  He was alive and OK.  He was going to be coming home any minute.  I forced myself to realize that no, he was gone.  He was not out on the road.  He was not OK.  He wasn’t coming back.  Apparently, I didn’t do as good of a job as I thought I did.

I opened that truck door, and saw where he sat, the bedding that he slept on, the things that he touched, the things that were so familiar, the things that we lived with and we used everyday for so long.  I had to stop. I was going to have to bring those things inside and put them away one last time.  It was so hard.  It was so final. It made it all so real.  Knowing that he was the last one to touch these things made it so very hard.

I managed to do it.  Again, with the help of one of my best friends, who was on the phone with me thru the first few minutes and many more tears.  She talked me thru it.  She listened to me cry, and scream and yell at him and cry some more.  If she hadn’t “been with me” I don’t think I could have done it. To her I say a big big big THANK YOU DARLIN!!!!  Once I calmed down a bit, I was able to let her go back to driving (Yeah one of my best friends is another lady trucker!) and get on with it.

I was finally able to take his things into the house.  I put our pillows on our bed and our comforter too.  I put his cloths away and put the tub with his TV, VCR & DVD players.  As hard as putting our pillows away was, seeing his favorite movies made me “lose it” all over again.  Grief is an odd thing.  It makes you do really silly things.  Like keeping the empty Root Bear bottle because his lips touched that and it has been sealed ever since.  Like making you cry when you see his log book and you realize that we just had our D.O.T. physicals and we both passed with flying colors.  Lot of good that did huh? I still can’t unroll our memory foam that has the sheets that he slept on or open his shower bag that he always had with him.

Once I was done putting all of these things away, and had moved the truck so I can mow under it later, I just sat and cried.  I say sat… It was more like flopped on top of all of the pillows and blankets on our bed and had a 15 minute screaming fit.  It was as if I had just found him. It was as bad as that morning all over again.  it hurt.  It was so fresh.  I managed to get to sleep that night somehow but I am not sure how.

Sunday, was just a sad day.  A day I was just going to allow myself  to sit and do nothing.  A day for crying and feeling sorry for myself and missing my husband.  I worked on a puzzle most of the day.  I made mac and cheese and we talked with another weekend nurse who came to visit.  I went out to water the plants that Ed and I planted and the trees that he loved so much.  I sat and talked with my girlfriend for quite a while and got a lot of stuff off my chest so to speak.  I was kind of looking forward to the meteor showers.  I had coffee at 9pm.  by 9:30 the clouds had rolled in and the thunderstorms had started.  Figures.  I was so disappointed.  By midnight I had a new burst of energy and I got my kitchen cleaned up.  I don’t know if I just didn’t want to go to bed because of the pillows and comforter or what, but I must say that I slept better last night than I have in a while now.
Monday I dealt with the fact that they brought the hospital bed for my mum.  It looks so strange.  Everything is becoming so real.  Mum is sick.  She is under hospice care.  Ed is gone.  He was supposed to be here to help me deal with this part.   I don’t have a job.  I don’t have to drive that truck anymore.  The life I knew is over.  WOW.  A friend who texts me every evening to check in with me asked how I was doing.  I had to tell her that I was pretty numb.  That’s exactly how I feel.  Numb.  I don’t know how to deal with this.  I don’t know how I am dealing with this.  I know that eventually I will look back on this and I will be able to see how I am doing this.  I think that it is really just all of my friends and family holding me up…

 

 

 

 

 

 
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Posted by on August 15, 2012 in A New Life

 

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A New Life and a New Direction

Well now that I have told my sob story, I want to let you know what I am planning on for this blog.

I want this blog to become more of a record of my journey from grief to healing, from where I am to where I end up and from the tragedy of this year to the hope of the future.  Even the name of this blog has taken on a new meaning for me.  At first “From The Corner Of Two Dirt Roads” meant “the news from my home on the corner of two dirt roads”.  Now, “From The Corner Of Two Dirt Roads” is going to become more about my journey from my amazing life on this corner into the future.

Over the next few weeks you may see many changes in the appearance on this blog.  I will be changing around the categories and format and such.  I will also be posting some of the drafts that I was working on before.

Although I do not want it to become a place where I always go to cry and pout and stamp my foot and complain, I am sure I will do all of those things from time to time so please forgive me for that.  Saying “We” still seems to be normal for me.   It seems to me that time is now Before and After.  It seems that now it isn’t August 11, its 7 weeks and 3 days.

There are things that I am still going thru, like the fact that yesterday it became official.  We had our first visit from Hospice.  Mum was refereed on Thursday (7 weeks to the day) and they were right here.  I admit that it is a great relief for me.  I feel that now that it is not just me taking care of her, that she will get the care she deserves.  I am having a very hard time concentrating, paying attention to anything.  I don’t think I am doing a good enough job and the ladies of Hospice Home Care will help keep me on track and catch anything I miss.

There are also many things that I still need to do.  I have boxes of things to mail.  I have paper work to finish doing.  I need to go thru his shop and garage.  I have to print out pictures for the frames.  I need to clean up my studio and get rid of a lot of junk.  I need to mow the lawn again.  I need to get off the computer and going on some of this stuff!
This post has taken me several days to write and I am going to cut it off here so that I can hopefully write about a couple of things that have happened since I started this post.

Talk to you soon.

 
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Posted by on August 13, 2012 in A New Life

 

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They Say The World Will End In 2012

They are right.  For me anyway. 

My life was perfect.  I had a fun job.  I had a great dog.  I had a wonderful Mum who was happily living in and helping me take care of my home.  And I had the most wonderful, amazing, talented, perfect for me husband, partner and best friend.  I even had a cool mother-in-law.  I thought that 2011 sucked because I had to watch my mother-in-law die and support my husband thru it.  Yes it was a privilege to be with her at the end but it was very difficult.  Then I told you about my Mum’s heart attach and her 5 bypass surgery.  The last post I did brought you up to March.  Let me tell you the rest of the story.

April

I came home.  My last trip on the truck ended April 13.  I came home to “do the taxes” and because my Mum was told that she had lung cancer.  We were not sure what stage it was and the plan was for me to stay home and take care of mum until this mess was settled one way or another.  We were all hoping that it would work out that mum would fight this thing, win, life would go on and I would get back on the truck.  My personal plan was to do such a good job of taking of taking care of the house and mum that Ed would see that I was meant to stay home and be a house wife and he should come off the road and run local.
May

May was spent trying to find a Doctor for mum, Ed keeping me sane and us playing when he was home.  See Ed would take loads to NYC or Hartford, then bring a load back.  When he was home we would go for bike rides or go out on the boat.  While I was home alone with mum, I was spring cleaning my home and making my own cleaning supplies, trying out Pinterest projects, missing Ed and trying to learn to sleep alone.
June

The only way to describe June would be to call it the month from Hell.  Well it did have a few Highlights.

June 1st:  My mum was diagnosed with late stage 3/early stage 4 lung cancer and started radiation and chemo treatments.  2 hour round trip drive 4 days a week for a 1/2 hour treatment and one 12+ hour day for Chemo & Radiation.

June 3rd:  My mum turned… well… it was her birthday.  I made her a cake and we had a nice meal and Ed stayed home with us long enough to have dinner with us.

June 8th:  Ed’s dream finally came true.  He bought his pontoon boat. He had wanted a pontoon boat since he was a kid and used to go out on the one his grandpa built.  He had talked about this boat for years.  ‘Someday I want a Pontoon boat.”  “Some day I am going to have a Pontoon boat and its going to be…”  He had been watching Craig’s list for months.  He would say “I think I found the boat!”  I would say “Well go get it!” he would say “Naw. I’m going to wait.” But while I was in Little Rock with Mum having an IV Port implanted, Ed was out buying his boat!  He bought it from a friend of ours from down the road.  When mum and I came home, I got her settled and went out to explore Ed’s new boat, and I started cleaning.  I even managed to impress him with my home made cleaner!  It is such a pretty boat!!!  As I was cleaning I said “Happy Anniversary!!  You may have done all of the work but I got you a boat for our anniversary!” He said “And it’s Pink!” and we laughed.

The Weekend Waterbed

The Weekend Waterbed

June 9th:  We went out on the boat.  We spent 8 hours out on the boat and neither of us were sunburned!  We had such a blast!  We explored Lake Dardanell  or part of it anyway.  We had lunch on the lake, drowned some worms while we pretended to fish and relaxed. We named the boat “The Weekend Waterbed”  It was beyond wonderful.  I can not explain how much fun we had on that boat.  When we got home and everything was put away he smiled and looked at me and said “Well, I got my money’s worth out of that boat today.  If I never get to go out on that boat again, I will be OK with that!”

June 10th:  Ed and I were ordering new seats for the pontoon.  He said “This way you can lay back and read a book while I fish and you can be comfortable too.”  While we were hanging out in the shop doing this, my second married Valentines day present, my little love, my buddy, my baby, my wonderful dog Bentley, was attached by the dogs that are owned by the person who lives 2 doors up.  I say he owns them but not that they live there or that he takes care of them.  They run wild thru the neighborhood and are very destructive.  They mauled another dog, and even tried to kill one of the lama’s that are in the field across the road. But I wasn’t paying attention. Once I got Bentley to the vet, she told me that they must have picked him up and shook him.  She said that we could do the surgeries and try to save him but it may only give us another week at the most the way his skin was ripped.  I couldn’t put him thru that.  I brought him home and Ed, Mum, Abby, Sadie and I buried him under the weeping willow that Ed had just planted for me.

My Little Love Bentley

My Little Love Bentley

June 13th:  Mum is starting to get sick from the Radiation and Chemo.

June 16th:  Our 11th wedding anniversary.  It was the first time we were not together on our anniversary.  Ed was in NYC/NJ getting empty and reloaded.  I spent the day with my niece and her husband.  We had dinner and talked about the military patches and stuff that I have that belonged to my Grampy Nason.  We had a great visit and I looked forward to doing it again.

June 17th:  Ed got loaded and drove to Carlisle PA on the 16th and got up at 2 Am on the 17th and started driving.  By 9pm he was home.  He drove over 1100 miles to make it home to be with me.

June 18th:  Mum and I went to radiation in the morning and managed to get home a bit early.  Ed wasn’t here and I sent him a text. He said “your early!” I just asked when he would be home. He said “in just a bit”.  Well did he come home with a “bang”  He had 1 dozen red roses for me.  They sparkled and they were beautiful.  He also got a bottle of my favorite fragrance oil and a bottle of his.  It was wonderful.  He cooked me dinner too.

June 19th: The anniversary of our first “Date”.  After mum’s radiation treatment, we were back out on the lake.  Not the same lake but we were back out on that Pontoon boat!  The lake that we went to has slips for rent and Ed said  “We could going to get a slip and keep the boat up at the lake so that we could ride the bikes up to the lake, spend the day on the lake then drive home. Would you like that?” My reply “How perfect!!!!”

Happy A-Day

Happy A-Day

June 20th:  After radiation I had a doctors appointment.  We are trying to find out why I am holding so much water that I look like a Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade Balloon and why I am always in so much pain.  My Doctor decided to test me for Lupus and Rheumatoid Arthritis. There was no way I was going to go home and tell Ed that and worry him.  Why would I?  I wasn’t worried about it, and the Doctor gave me pills anyway.  Ed and I went to bed that night but he got back up and said he wasn’t feeling well. 

June 21St:  The day my world came to an end.  The day husband died.  I got out of bed and found Ed in his chair in the living room.  I don’t remember much after finding him. I know my mum stood right up for me and took care of me.  I know there were ambulance people and they were worried about and checking me out when they should have been helping Ed.  I know there was a coroner in my home. I know that there were funeral home people here.  A sheriff was too.  I made phone calls.  I must have, because I remember talking to Ed’s kids, my dad, Ed’s sister and brother, my 2 best friends, Other friends and my little brother.  I remember I had to go pick up flowers and a prescription.  I guess I remember more than I thought I did.  I remember wanting to go to bed but not wanting to fall asleep alone.  I remember talking on the phone with a truly great friend.  I remember being woken up by Ed’s best friend calling me.  I hadn’t called him because he was on vacation with his wife and I didn’t want to ruin it for them.  I remember falling asleep with another friend on the phone.

In the weeks that followed, I wrote my husband’s obituary, planned his funeral, and brought his ashes home in the boot of the motorcycle trailer that he loved so much.  I have removed my husbands name from policies and returned the boat seats that he ordered for me, figured out my bills and written a budget.  I have written thank you notes and cried a million tears.  I have survived his funeral and my 41st birthday.  I have leaned on family, friends and total strangers.  I have also tried to support Ed’s children even though I know I have not been able to do a very good job.  I have tried to take care of my mother and I know that hasn’t gone well because we have been in and out of the hospital twice.  I know that stress and the radiation and chemo are to blame but I still feel that I should have done a better job.  From the day after Ed died, until July 31, we were not in this house alone thanks to wonderful friends and family that came to stay with us.  Somewhere in all of this, my doctor called and the tests they took the day before Ed passed came back negative.

It has been 47 days and Mum and I are learning to adjust to life with out Ed.  I am beginning to pull myself together I told Ed once that if anything ever happened to him I would just go to bed and pull the covers over my head for about a year.  His reply?  “Well that’s stupid.  You have a month then cut and run.  Sell the house and go home to Maine.”   I haven’t curled up yet.  I will not start getting the house ready to sell until mum “goes to hang out with Ed” as we are starting to say it.  You see, the doctors have stopped mums radiation and chemo because “The tumor has not responded to treatment as dramatically as we had hoped it would.”  We have scans at the end of August and another Doctors appointment in September to see if there is anything else they can do.

I have lost my Mother-in-Law.   I have lost my Bentley.   I have lost my husband/partner/team-mate/lover/best friend/support system/center of my world.   I have lost my job, my future, my way of life, and soon, I will lose my mother.   I am beginning to come up with a plan for “after” but it has, could and will change.  I will let you know how it goes.

“They” say that the Mayan Calender ends in 2012 because the world will come to an end.  I believe “Them”  I know mine did.

In Loving Memory

 
 
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